Assignment #4: The Emotions Surrounding Self-injury

The Emotions Surrounding Self-injury

Self-injury Awareness Day

It really depends. Like sometimes I could be really depressed and sad and that would be why I engage in self-injury. Most of the time it's because I'm angry, frustrated, or mad at a specific person or situation. I think stuff like the world hates me and why was I born and like no one loves me, I always self-injure. Feelings during, are usually enjoyment, frustration, and confusion. I would be mad that I was engaging in self-harm, confused as to what and why I was doing it, and enjoying it because it gave me something that no one or nothing else could give me. I don't exactly k now what that is, but I always feel better when I self-injure. After, I really wouldn't have any feelings, like I would be completely chill about it and think that like it was completely normal when it really isn't. It's self destructing and it's something I don't need to be a part of, or continue doing.

I have wanted others to feel sorry for what they did to me. Like my parents yelling t me, friends spreading rumors, people bullying me, guys telling me they don't like me, people ignoring me, people annoying me. Honestly I never thought my self-injuring would get to this point of being here. I never thought of anyone else when I self-injured. I didn't think about the impact that I had on everything by self-harming. I only thought about what it gave me. It always calmed me down and gave me a release. And I thought I was only effecting myself. But it was effecting everyone I had a relationship with. 

I have gotten a lot of pity from others and lots of empathy. People offer me support and I am happy about that. But other people have just said, "Screw it," and gave up on me and said they didn't wanna be my friends anymore and it just sucks. People say that they are there for you and will do anything to help you. But then they leave. They just leave me. But most people are just mad at me for doing it. 

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Today, self-harm is just another part of my life. It has been gone for so long and now that it's back I don't want to give it up. I feel content when I'm self-harming because, with everything going on in my life right now, I turn my emotions off and on. It seems like when my emotions are off, that's when I'm most vulnerable. 

When I'm doing it, like I said, I feel content, but I almost feel happy, and enjoyment. The rush it gives me makes me feel alive again. I'm no longer numb. I can feel things again.

Afterwards, I'm supposed to feel guilt, shame, disappointment. But I don't feel that right now. I know it's in the back of my mind and the good voices are trying to push the bad ones out. But the bad voices are too loud. 

It's a horrible cycle that keeps going and going and my goal is to try and hop off of it. 

I self-harm and I feel enjoyment out of it. I usually tell someone when I do self-harm, and they are usually disappointed and/or mad. That makes me feel guilty, and that guilt contributes to self-harm.  

So basically: self-harm, tell someone, disappointed, guilty, self harm (repeat)

I don't want to be a disappointment to anyone, so I'm trying super hard to stay clean. But unless you have walked in my shoes, you have no idea what sort of pain I go through trying to fight these battles. The battles that aren't external, they are internal. They go on inside my head and yes that sounds incredibly "schizo" but so what? The battle happens and no one knows what it's like except for me.. my internal battles create outside appearances.