Last night I wrote a letter to SHED… Self-Harm, Eating Disorder.

It’s okay if you can’t understand why I think like this… I’m not asking you to understand it.

“From the outside looking in,, you can’t understand it. From the inside looking out, you can’t explain it.”

So here is this letter…

DEAR SHED,

I really want to say goodbye to you, but I can’t. You hve sucked me back into this. I am yet again in your grasps… why is that? Why do you always do this? I hate you and I just want to be free. I want to get rid of you, but I just can’t. I can’t let you go. I don’t want to. I wish I could follow the rules you tell me. I’m trying. I know I wanted… well you wanted… me to take that thing; I could stop listening to you if you wanted to, but I just don’t feel like it.

        

You have made me so happy lately. You make me smile again and you fill the void that is in my heart. But I just can’t stop. I can’t get rid of you. I want to stop.. lol.. maybe? Maybe I want to stop… still not sure.

        

Why do you do this to me? Why did you suck me back in? You did such a good job at stealing me back. I love you so much and you are not good for me. You ruined my life and I know you ruined me, but you also make me feel better.

        

Why the fuck does that happen? How can someone fall for you? What is wrong with me?

         Well, I honestly don’t think I’m “healed” or “recovered” because for me, having no impulses and not acting on them is recovery.

Recovery is happiness, it’s having a good relationship with your family and friends. It’s getting good grades, eating 3 meals a day, and not searching for instruments to use for self-harming. Recovery is being able to shave your legs without thinking about how you are going to take the razor apart. It’s eating a full meal without thinking about purging or how much weight you gained from the meal. It is being able to go out to eat with friends or family without having panic attacks due to how many calories are in all the food you just ate.

Recovery is being able to wear short sleeves without freaking the fuck out about who is staring at my arms. Recovery is not feeling threatened, ashamed, or judged when I do wear short sleeves.

SHED, you need to leave me alone. I want you gone, but I’m not strong enough yet. I still need you. Fuck, I still want you, I love the way you make me feel. You make me feel loved, You make me feel alive. I’m no longer numb.

You call out to me and forever will I answer you. You put your coice in my head, you can tell me these things that I can’t resist. And when I try to resist you, you just call out louder and louder. When I don’t respond to your screams, you bring up a traumatic incident/situation, which has scarred me. I hate that you have this control over me. But I’m scared it will kill me.

Well I kind of know that if I keep doing this it will kill me.. but I gues I’m not that scared about that because I feel like I have died many times already, still woke up every morning.

I honestly wouldn’t mind if I died. I don’t want to kill myself, but like I wouldn’t be mad if I just stopped breathing.

SOMEONE STOLE MY BLADE…

I am so not better than that. My friend told me I’m better than using my blade and for being attached to it. I am fucking freaking out.. I can’t do this anymore… I went to use my blade and literally it was not there. WHO THE FUCK STOLE IT?

Fuck, I think that the cleaning people saw it and threw it out. Maybe they were trying to keep me safe? That they thought they were doing the right thing. I understand that, but wtf.. this is not fucking okay. Anyways, you (SHED) are probably pissed off now and I’m super frustrated and upset. I would give anything to use you right now.

No fuck this shit

I just with you never existed anymore

For now,

JB