Sorry/Not Sorry

“I don’t feel safe with you coming home right now. It’s too dangerous to my kids to have you here.”

Who do you expect to someone to say those words to?  

A boyfriend? 

Girlfriend? 

Wife? 

Husband? 

Sister?  

Brother?

ORRRR...... 

Imagine your mother saying those words to you...

Imagine sitting in an office, with your therapist… waiting for you mom to show up to pick you up from the hospital (for attempted suicide)…

You are waiting, and you are excited to go home and sleep in your own bed.

You are waiting, and when you see your mom come in the unit, you are thankful she is there and that she is going to take you home.

You are waiting to feel loved again… welcomed home… treated kindly and even a little bit coddled. She is your mom… she shouldn’t be the one breaking your heart.

You are wishing and praying that today is the day…

Today is the day you are going to leave after 6 days in the hospital...

Today is the day you go home to see your siblings...

Today is the day you can relax without worrying about “group” or “individual” therapies.

Today is the day you are supposed to be able to go take a nice warm shower, or bath.

She enters the room and my therapist starts talking about plans for the discharge and my safety plan for going home.

When she says, “I don’t feel safe with you coming home right now. It’s too dangerous to my kids to have you here.”

Excuse me? 

I jumped up and ran out of the room crying and screaming. The nurses were trying to calm me down… my friends came over and sat with me as I was in the midst of a panic attack.

I came back into the room and sat down, and tried to listen to what she had to say. It was all BS… it was like someone just stabbed me in the heart. My home was taken away from me, just like that.

So, I had to call my dad… and he dropped what he was doing at work to come get me.

He sat through the discharge appointment with me and listened to everything that the doctor/nurse had to say and we created a safety plan for at his place... my dad is a hero, and he doesn't wear a cape 

My mom ruined our relationship that day. According to her though, she never said that. She never kicked me out. She tells others that I “chose” to live with my dad.

No, love. I had no other option.

This situation is still fresh in my brain. That was probably one of the worst moments of my life, and to have someone going around saying it was my choice, means that they are invalidating my feelings and thoughts.

I understand that there are two sides to every story…. But I have the nurses to back me up. I have my dad to back me up. I have my friends from this stay in the hospital to back me up.

For someone who PREACHES not to lie… she sure does a lot of lying.

Sorry/ not sorry for ranting, I had to get this out and sharing this is a part of my story as a human being. I know my mom has her thoughts regarding this situation, and in her mind, she never kicked me out.. but she did. She threw all of my stuff out of the house when she threw my dad's out. 

Now, when I go over to her house to visit with my siblings, I have to knock or ring the doorbell to come in.

She says that it is still my "home." BUT it's not. To me home is where you feel loved, comfortable and important. It is where you know that no one is going to judge you and that they will accept you for who you are. I am home when I am with my dad and Sophie (kitty). I am home when I am at school... but I am not home at that house. Sure it was my childhood home, but no matter how much she tells me that that is still my home, it's not.

That is not my home anymore.

Another thing that bothers me is that whenever something goes "wrong" in my life she tries to put in her two cents in about it. She tells EVERYONE about my problems. I mean, fuck, I'm pretty open about my life, but it is MY story to share. NOT hers. I don't go around telling people her story.

I just want her to respect my boundaries.. stop sharing my story to your friends.

That is all..