Making sentences from verbs

I have been having extreme writers block lately, and so I thought I would try something new. I went through and wrote down verbs that I associated with myself and then I had the idea that I would go through and write sentences about how I was feeling with those verbs...

Here's what I came up with...

Lately all I’ve wanted to do is sleep

I eat too much, and that causes me to have the urge to purge

A lot of things have been going wrong lately and I have been crying so hard

Sometimes I even cry myself to sleep

Sometimes I even cry in class

Sophie is a very loving and she keeps me safe though

I am hurting because of the loss of a friend

Sometimes I just need to bleed to know I’m still alive

I like to cling to people because if I don’t everyone always leaves me

Which my clinginess could definitely affect the reasons why they leave

I hate when something happens, but it doesn’t just break your heart, it breaks your soul too

It’s hard to deal with all these emotions surrounding my self-harm impulses

I dream of a life without self-harm, but I know it will never come

I feel like no matter what I do, it’s never good enough

I fight against the demons in my mind, but they are always there, they don’t go away

I wish I could fly away from all of this

I wish I could use these experiences to grow as a person

And learn not only to do my coping skills when I’m triggered but ACTUALLY do them

A lot of the times though, I don’t WANT to do my coping skills

It’s a mistake when I give in to the demons

I don’t know if I will overcome this

But there are a lot of people who I have to prove wrong

Sometimes I just want to quit with recovery because it was easier being sick

Shine bright like a diamond, is what my grandma always says to me

Sing it for the world, don’t ever shut your mouth, no matter how hard they are trying to silence you

I want to slit my wrists (just a thought, don’t freak out)

In my life I try to stand, but lately every time I try to stand, something keeps knocking me down

Maybe one day I will thrive

This illness controls you

I have been withdrawing from everyone

I fall down all the time, when I try to get up, I get shaky legs and then I’m on the ground again

I have been starting to forget things, some things I want to forget but others I don’t want to forget

I feel depressed, so very depressed

I depend on people to show me how much I am worth

I have been destroying my life for so long now, that sometimes I don’t even want to get better

It would be amazing to eliminate all of these thoughts, but that is never going to happen

Maybe someday all of these bad feelings will be able to be erased

My friend and I made a deal to stay safe for each other for one week

This week has been dreadful without my negative coping skills

I think that what I do to myself could be considered taboo but I don’t care

I feel like a very terrible person for hurting myself

Sometimes I feel so numb that it feels the only way I can stay alive is to show myself

And I show myself that I’m still alive by bleeding

By bleeding, bleeding, bleeding

And I know that it is unpleasant for people to hear

You probably think I’m insane going through this passage

Hell, maybe I am a little insane

I don’t understand how self-harm it hurts other people though

I’m not cutting them; I’m not making them binge

It’s my body why should anyone care?

My arms are grotesque, hideous and revolting

My arms are the product of a mind that is only focused on one thing: my destruction

I can’t even explain how they look

I am burned out with all of the work that my classes are right now

I completed five essays and have one left

I also took a quiz, which I didn’t do very well

I did all of that on top of feeling super duper depressed

I have gone five days without cutting this week and if I make it to 7, my friend has a present for me and I the same for her

Honestly, I know I can stop, but do I want to?

Quotes

I found all of these quotes on Tumblr… today is a quotes day because I’m not really feeling like myself and I want to do something that could be productive for me as well as everyone reading these quotes.

“You wake up every morning to fight the same demons that left you so tired the night before and that, my love, is bravery.”

“We are all broken, that’s how the light gets in.”

“Today in science class, I learned every cell in our entire body is replaced every seven years. How lovely it is to know one day I will have a body you will have never touched.”

“If it hurts so much that you can’t breathe; that’s when you know you’re alive.”

“Recovery is not one single choice that you make one day and just move on. It’s a choice and a decision that you must make multiple times every day. When you wake up; when you shower; when you go to work; when you have to take an early lunch break; or have to grab a snack on the go. It is a commitment that first it feels heavy and impossible but as you continue to commit day after day; it becomes less of a conscious decision. It becomes less of a conscious decision You begin to learn that choosing recovery and choosing life is worth it in the long term; that the short-term discomfort and anxiety can be manageable if you start to believe that you are truly worth it.”

“Do not let anyone strip you down and burn you to the ground, this includes yourself. You do NOT need to rise from unnecessary ashes to become something beautiful.”

“It’s okay to cry. It’s okay to scream until your lungs give out. I know you feel like there is no way out. I know that you feel that this pain is eternal, that you’re worthless. I know you hate yourself, but I want you to know that it’s okay. It is okay to cry. It is okay to scream. To punch. To kick. To go insane. But darling please don’t give up.”

“You want to know why you’re so afraid to recover? It’s because the demons know that you’re so much more than all of the shit you’re going through now. So they paralyze you with fear, hoping to keep you blinded from seeing the truth of your own strength. Prove them wrong get better. Have that control you’ve wanted all along. You can do this.”

“I can see it. This one moment when you know you’re not a sad story. You’re alive and you stand up and see the light and the buildings and everything that makes you wonder. And you’re listening to that song in that drive with the people you love most in this world. And in this moment, I swear, we are infinite.”

Sorry/Not Sorry

“I don’t feel safe with you coming home right now. It’s too dangerous to my kids to have you here.”

Who do you expect to someone to say those words to?  

A boyfriend? 

Girlfriend? 

Wife? 

Husband? 

Sister?  

Brother?

ORRRR...... 

Imagine your mother saying those words to you...

Imagine sitting in an office, with your therapist… waiting for you mom to show up to pick you up from the hospital (for attempted suicide)…

You are waiting, and you are excited to go home and sleep in your own bed.

You are waiting, and when you see your mom come in the unit, you are thankful she is there and that she is going to take you home.

You are waiting to feel loved again… welcomed home… treated kindly and even a little bit coddled. She is your mom… she shouldn’t be the one breaking your heart.

You are wishing and praying that today is the day…

Today is the day you are going to leave after 6 days in the hospital...

Today is the day you go home to see your siblings...

Today is the day you can relax without worrying about “group” or “individual” therapies.

Today is the day you are supposed to be able to go take a nice warm shower, or bath.

She enters the room and my therapist starts talking about plans for the discharge and my safety plan for going home.

When she says, “I don’t feel safe with you coming home right now. It’s too dangerous to my kids to have you here.”

Excuse me? 

I jumped up and ran out of the room crying and screaming. The nurses were trying to calm me down… my friends came over and sat with me as I was in the midst of a panic attack.

I came back into the room and sat down, and tried to listen to what she had to say. It was all BS… it was like someone just stabbed me in the heart. My home was taken away from me, just like that.

So, I had to call my dad… and he dropped what he was doing at work to come get me.

He sat through the discharge appointment with me and listened to everything that the doctor/nurse had to say and we created a safety plan for at his place... my dad is a hero, and he doesn't wear a cape 

My mom ruined our relationship that day. According to her though, she never said that. She never kicked me out. She tells others that I “chose” to live with my dad.

No, love. I had no other option.

This situation is still fresh in my brain. That was probably one of the worst moments of my life, and to have someone going around saying it was my choice, means that they are invalidating my feelings and thoughts.

I understand that there are two sides to every story…. But I have the nurses to back me up. I have my dad to back me up. I have my friends from this stay in the hospital to back me up.

For someone who PREACHES not to lie… she sure does a lot of lying.

Sorry/ not sorry for ranting, I had to get this out and sharing this is a part of my story as a human being. I know my mom has her thoughts regarding this situation, and in her mind, she never kicked me out.. but she did. She threw all of my stuff out of the house when she threw my dad's out. 

Now, when I go over to her house to visit with my siblings, I have to knock or ring the doorbell to come in.

She says that it is still my "home." BUT it's not. To me home is where you feel loved, comfortable and important. It is where you know that no one is going to judge you and that they will accept you for who you are. I am home when I am with my dad and Sophie (kitty). I am home when I am at school... but I am not home at that house. Sure it was my childhood home, but no matter how much she tells me that that is still my home, it's not.

That is not my home anymore.

Another thing that bothers me is that whenever something goes "wrong" in my life she tries to put in her two cents in about it. She tells EVERYONE about my problems. I mean, fuck, I'm pretty open about my life, but it is MY story to share. NOT hers. I don't go around telling people her story.

I just want her to respect my boundaries.. stop sharing my story to your friends.

That is all.. 

How to talk to your daughter about her body

I think it’s super important to know how to talk to your daughter about her body… Obviously I’m not a mother yet, well sort of if a kitty counts, but when my daughter is old enough to understand that her body is different than others, but it is still beautiful and unique…

How to talk to your daughter about her body…

1. Don’t talk to your daughter about her body, except to teach her how it works.

2. Don’t say anything if she’s lost weight. Don’t say anything if she’s gained weight.

3. If you think your daughter’s body looks amazing, don’t say that. Here are some things you can say instead:

a. “You look so healthy!” is a great one.

b. Or how about, “You’re looking so strong.”

c. “I can see how happy you are – you’re glowing.”

4. Better yet, compliment her on something that has nothing to do with her body.

5. Don’t comment on other women’s bodies either. Nope. Not a single comment, not a nice one or a mean one.

6. Teach her about kindness towards others, but also kindness towards yourself.

7. Don’t you dare talk about how much you hate your body in front of your daughter, or talk about your new diet. In fact, don’t go on a diet in front of your daughter.

8. Buy healthy food. Cook healthy meals. But don’t say “I’m not eating carbs right now.”

9. Your daughter should never think that carbs are evil, because shame over what you eat only leads to shame about yourself.

10. Encourage your daughter to run because it makes her feel less stressed. Encourage your daughter to climb mountains because there is nowhere better to explore your spirituality than the peak of the universe.

11. Encourage your daughter to surf, or rock climb, or mountain bike because it scares her and that’s a good thing sometimes.

12. Help your daughter love soccer or rowing or hockey because sports make her a better leader and a more confident woman. Explain that no matter how old you get, you’ll never stop needing good teamwork. Never make her play a sport she isn’t absolutely in love with.

13. Prove to your daughter that women don’t need men to move their furniture.

14. Teach your daughter how to cook kale.

15. Teach your daughter how to bake chocolate cake made with six sticks of butter.

16. Pass on your own mom’s recipe for Christmas morning coffee cake. Pass on your love of being outside.

17. Maybe you and your daughter both have thick thighs or wide ribcages. It’s easy to hate these non-size zero body parts. Don’t. Tell your daughter that with her legs she can run a marathon if she wants to, and her ribcage is nothing but a carrying case for strong lungs. She can scream and she can sing and she can lift up the world, if she wants.

18. Remind your daughter that the best thing she can do with her body is to use it to mobilize her beautiful soul.