January 4: Questions Every Survivor Will Be Asked

      Are you crazy?

Are you going to try again?

Why did you do it?

Why didn’t you call me?

Why didn’t you think about how I would feel and how everyone who loves you would feel?

How could you do that to them?

How could you do this to me?

How did you do it?

Do you know how stupid that is?

Don’t you know how many people who love you?

Didn’t I love you enough?

You know I’m not going to talk to you until you aren’t suicidal anymore, right?

These are questions that every suicide survivor will get on their road to recovery. The person asking is going to want answers; they are going to do anything they can to get these answers and may even get aggressive and hurtful. Today I am going to talk about how a survivor is going to answer these questions.

The first friendly reminder is that YOU DO NOT OWE ANYONE AN EXPLANATION. No matter how many times they ask you, how aggressive they get, how upset they become, how frustrated they become with you: YOU DO NOT OWE THEM AN EXPLANATION. If you do not feel comfortable sharing your story and talking about what happened do NOT make someone feel like you HAVE to talk to them.

I am going to go through them now and answer them to the best of my ability and then go through some other facts regarding a survivor.

Are you crazy?

No, I am not “crazy.” Yes, I am diagnosed with chronic depression, anxiety, bipolar 1 disorder, but that does not make me crazy.

Are you going to try to kill yourself again?

That is honestly a question I don’t think I am comfortable answering. That doesn’t mean I am going to go out and kill myself; you don’t have to worry. For now I am stable, and I will seek help to continue coping with this incident and my mental health.

Why did you do it?

This is a really intimate question for me; I am going to say that the only explanation I can give is that sometimes depression is just stronger and more powerful than my own mind. Everyday is a constant struggle and a constant battle, but everyday I make it through is another day I am alive and another day I have won.

Why didn’t you call me?

I don’t feel comfortable sharing with some people when I am struggling. I don’t feel comfortable just calling you because you say I can. As I said, my depression was very strong that night; I texted one person who I knew I could trust, and I would usually wait for his response before doing anything, but this time was different.

Why didn’t you think about how I would feel and how everyone who loves you would feel?

I was only thinking about one thing and one thing only: those bottles of pills are the only thing that can take me away from this hell. I wasn’t thinking of anyone else.

How could you do that to them?

I wasn’t thinking of anyone else. Obviously, now I feel horrible and I know how many people would be affected by my death, but I wasn’t able to think about that at the time.

How could you do this to me?

As I said, I was only thinking of myself. My depression would only let me think of what I needed to do in order to end the pain.

How did you do it?

I overdosed on over seventy prescription meds.

Do you know how stupid that is?

To someone who has never dealt with mental illness I would advise you to keep those comments to yourself. That is not helpful for my recovery. Hopefully someday you can try to understand the amount of pain someone is experiencing in order to think the ONLY way out is at the bottom of a bottle.

Don’t you know how many people who love you?

I think that people don’t care unless something dramatic happens; I could be wrong and I probably am but that is what I think about that question. I think that when someone almost dies, let alone ATTEMPTS TO KILL HERSELF: it awakens feelings of guilt in a lot of people and thoughts like, “I can’t believe that happened, I need to reach out to her. I need to let her know I love her.” Which is very kind an considerate and I appreciate it so much, because it honestly does remind me of how many people I would affect if I was to no longer be here.

Didn’t I love you enough?

It has nothing to do, and had nothing to do with loving me enough.

You know I’m not going to talk to you until you aren’t suicidal anymore, right?

That’s your choice. But a true friend is there through thick and thin; they don’t choose to only be here when things are good. A true friend will hold your hand as you walk through the storm. If you want to leave that’s fine.

I would love to answer more questions if you have any, feel free to message me on Facebook, email, or text. Thank you so much for reading! Like I said don’t hesitate to reach out.