Entry 1: January 1, 2016

In fifth grade I was the first person to get braces and my good glasses were broken from soccer, so I had to wear these glasses that instead of having the nose arch, it had a nose like U. It was not a good look. I was seen as the nerdy girl who would never attract any guys; but I was alright with that.

In the summer before sixth grade I had the opportunity to travel with People to People Student Ambassadors as a representative of the state of Iowa and the United States. We traveled to England and France for two weeks and it was amazing! I met so many friends, and they answered all my questions about hair and make up and all that jazz. I was so excited to go back to school. So in sixth grade, I came to school as a "new Jules,"  I was now in middle school, I was a leader to the elementary students, I was going to be great. I was now seen as one of the "pretty girls" and I was asked to hang out with the popular girls; I thought that was the coolest thing ever.

I was blessed to travel with PTPSA again the summer of sixth grade year going into seventh grade, and we traveled to Australia! We swam in the Great Barrier Reef, went on hikes in the Outback, visited Aborigine reservations, attended a performance of Bindi Irwin at the Steve Irwin zoo. We went to the Sydney Opera House and saw a performance there, went on many boat rides and cruises, did service projects and we did soooooooo much more. I was so incredibly joyful and at this point in my life I had no idea what suicide was.

But, I remember my first suicidal thought and it was a few days after Christmas Break of seventh grade year during basketball season when I met a new friend named Cindy.* She was very nice and helped me understand a lot about life. She was there everyday for me when the "popular" girls started to neglect that I even existed.

When this happened they decided to start bullying me; it wasn't all of them, just a few, but one in particular loved to hurt me. It felt like hurting me was the one thing she looked forward to everyday. I started to dread school because every morning I would walk into school, to my personal hell, where I had to take the verbal abuse of this girl. When I went home, she would cyber bully me.

She HATED that I had became friends with Cindy and made sure everyone knew it. Cindy is an incredible girl who happens to "like like" girls, which in the seventh grade was a huge problem; everyone knew and everyone stayed away from her and was scared of her because of this reason. It really broke my heart; so I would text her everyday, checking in with each other and making sure we were both okay. I started developing feelings for her too, but I was so scared because I was already getting bullied, I didn't want them to have another reason to make fun of me. I told Cindy this and we continued to talk everyday, but when I was around her at basketball I couldn't even make eye contact because I was so scared someone would know.

Back to Christmas Break: I was so incredibly angry at my parents. (I honestly can't remember what they did or why I was mad at them, but I know I was.) I told Cindy a lie about my parents, which would later be the reason we were no longer friends. This was a really really horrible lie about my parents and I knew it. After break I remember being called down to the principal's office where my guidance counselor was waiting for me: I walked into the room and sat down, thinking nothing was wrong. Boy was I mistaken.

Apparently, Cindy had told her guidance counselor about what I said about my parents and her counselor called mine, and she had to get other authority figures involved. Anyways, the day my parents came into the office to talk with my counselor and I, was the day I wanted to kill myself for the first time..

I felt like there was nothing I could ever do to make my parents forgive me; they were going to hate me my entire life and I was going to go to school and get bullied and come home and get neglected. I thought everyone would be better off without me; my sisters, brothers, "friends," Cindy. I thought this was the only way I could make everything right with my parents. This was the one way I could punish myself for what I did without having any consequences. I wanted to die with all of my heart.

I was so scared that I texted one of my friends and talked with her about wanting to kill myself. She was a very good friend, but at the time I was FURIOUS with her because she showed her mom the texts and BAM. Her mom was at the front door, making sure I was still alive. Of course my mother freaks the hell out, causing me to be even more suicidal.

A week later, I was in therapy for the first time... little did I know this was going to be the first therapy session of hundreds, the first suicidal thought of too many to count.

But. I'm still alive.              

*Cindy is a pseudonym to protect the identity of the actual person