Entry 14: Kat. "I'm sorry for your loss." Drew.

I’m so sorry for your loss….

What does that mean?

It’s just empty words. I’m so sorry for your loss. What loss? The loss of a child? Mother? Father? Sister? Brother? Cousin? Best Friend? Grandparent? Teacher? Who did you lose? And why are you sorry?

You can’t do anything to bring them back. I know I say this too, but legit, why do we say I’m so sorry for your loss? Is it supposed to make us feel better after someone passes? Is it supposed to help us grieve? Give us closure? What is it supposed to do? What is it good for? What does that even mean? You didn’t know my loved one, they meant nothing to you.  So why are you sorry?

What about losing someone to suicide? Do you say, “I’m so sorry for your loss?” Honestly, at this point I think it’s a personal preference what people say in response to the news of someone losing a loved one.

I was a patient in Mercy Franklin mental health hospital when I was a junior in high school. I was admitted on September 21. I went to outpatient therapy everyday, we had therapy with the inpatients that were now in the process of becoming outpatients! That’s when I met Kat. She looked so sad, sitting there by herself. My other friend, Aly showed up a few days later; Aly, Kat and I were always together and talking and hearing each other’s story and how they got here and why.

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I told them, you know: I cut myself, I don’t eat, I refuse to eat, I want to die, I hate myself, I threatened to take my own life… all that stuff. Aly told a really compelling story, she’s such a strong girl. Kat told us about her life, and I know she wouldn’t mind me writing about this because on our Facebook page, Supporting Others, her story is posted.

In the past few years (so the years previous to 2012 when we were outpatients) she had lost so many people to death. She lost her younger sister to suicide via hanging herself on a school playground. Their younger brother I believe found her. She lost friends in car accidents, more suicides; family to old age, drug overdose, alcohol abuse, or freak accidents. She didn’t want to live because everyone she loved was dying.

She told us that she took over 60 Advil pills in hopes of killing herself. At the time, I thought that was the most radical thing I’ve ever heard. I didn’t even know someone could take so many pills and still be alive! But there was Kat, living proof that things do get better. She was doing so so well. After the hospital she went back to school and life with her family and Aly and I did the same.

*AFTER I WENT TO TREATMENT IN NOV-DEC*

Around January of 2013, she started this page on Facebook called, Supporting Others, which is a page devoted to creating a safe environment to talk about what’s going on in the lives of our followers and giving them someone to listen, as well as give advice. Kat’s hopes were that we would be able to save people from killing themselves; which I think is what she wanted so bad. Someone to save her.

Flash forward to May; Kat and I talked everyday via text, which I know some people are like, “Well that isn’t talking.” But it was for us. We talked about stuff going on in her life, as well as my life and how we could help the other. I was an admin on the Page, so we talked about how to improve it and how to make it more welcoming of an environment; we talked about people messaging us, whether we should let the other take care of them or if she had advice for me on what to say and vice versa. I still remember it to this day. We had such a special relationship.

She was so inspiring to me. She had come back from multiple suicide attempts and was working to save others from attempting themselves. She had the warmest heart, a heart full of gold. She wanted to go to college to become a psychiatrist I believe, or a psychologist, I don’t remember the specifics… But she was going to go to school so she could help as many people as she could stay alive and live a life full of joy.

It’s May 7^th. Kat and I are talking and I ask her, “Kat, how are you doing? Are you okay?” and her response was, “I’m fine !” Thinking nothing of it I responded, “Good! J “ and that was that.

She died the 8^th of May. But it was in the evening and somewhat later at night, so no one knew for a while and her family wanted to have time to grieve for their daughter, sister, niece, grandchild… and this horrible tragedy that had just occurred.

May 9^th comes around, it was a Thursday morning. I will never forget that day for the rest of my life. I don’t remember the first class I had that morning, but after the first class I had seminar, which is like a study session. My teacher was super chill about phones and stuff. So I got on my Facebook to check and see if we had any messages on our page, I was going to contact Kat and see how she was doing and what she needed me to do. Well, I looked and she had made me the page’s boss. The highest you can go…. She basically made me, what she used to be on the page. It was equivalent to the founder, in a way. Um, I was like, “What the hell is going on?”

So I went to look at our posts on the page and there was one from Kat’s mom… Ugh. It said something along the lines of, “I just want to let everyone know that Kat was a fighter, she did so much to help so many people. She came back from many suicide attempts. She was so loved. She was so special to me. Tragically, she lost her battle last night. My little girl, RIP.” My heart DROPS. I’m thinking…. WTF is happening she can’t be dead. No this can’t happen! I just talked to her!!!!

I went to her Facebook profile and all over her page was RIP, RIP, RIP, RIP. I sprinted. I sprinted to Trish (my mom at school)’s classroom. As I was sprinting I started to get tears. I started hyperventilating. I started screaming. Teachers were coming out and looking at me, telling me to stop running, to stop screaming. Asking me where I came from and all of that teacher stuff… I just kept going. I got to Trish’s classroom and I asked her to come outside so I could talk to her and I fell to the ground in her arms. She was so concerned, she didn’t know what was going on and finally I got enough breath to sob, “Kat is dead. Kat my friend from the hospital. My best friend from the hospital is dead.” Trish didn’t know what to do, so she helped me make my way to her desk and she set me up on the ground behind her chair. That’s where I lost it. I absolutely lost it. I shut down. I didn’t say a word. Trish called my mom into the room and I said nothing. I sat there stone cold. I was a brick wall. I was a statue. I had no emotion. I had no voice. I had no movements. So, Trish and my mom took me into my counselor’s room at school.

I just sat there. I don’t remember moving. I don’t remember doing anything. I don’t even know how I left. All of a sudden I was walking to my locker, hyperventilating crying. One of my friends came up, and said, “Jules what’s going on?” I stirred up the strength to say, “One of my best friends committed suicide last night.” She ran over and just hugged me for like five minutes. She took me to her car and we talked and I started telling her my fondest memories of Kat, and what kind of a person she was like and how beautiful she was.

This wasn’t real. This couldn’t be real.

Then I’m at soccer practice. I’m JV captain and I’m lying on my stomach on the ground just sobbing. A teammate came up and also asked what was going on and I told her and she started to hug and hold me and I felt so loved. I had to put on a brave face and be the captain I had to be. I had to be encouraging, happy, and enthusiastic. I had to find my voice because as goalie I yelled SO LOUD, and very often. After practice, I drove home and I went to my room and didn’t do anything. My parents wanted to talk it through with me. But I just laid there.

Kat’s visitation was probably the saddest thing I’ve ever gone to. I saw baby pictures, toddler, youth and then how old she was then. I saw her family, met her family talked with her family. Cried with her mom. And Aly and I went closer and closer to the casket. We couldn’t look. We weren’t going to look, we didn’t want to see her that way.

But we do look. We wanted to hold her hand or just talk to her and let her know we would never forget her, she was so important to us. But we also were angry with her. She was wearing a turtle neck and we knew what had happened. She had hung herself like her sister. We fell to the ground and cried for her. We wept for her.

Later we find out, that she was getting bullied to the point of people yelling and harassing her and telling her everyone would be better off if she went and killed herself. Just like her sister. They told her to kill herself just like her sister did. So, impulsively she did.

I can’t even tell you the pain Aly and I went through during her funeral. I hate thinking about it because I cry every single time. I’m crying right now.

Words cannot describe the pain I went through; the devastation, the heartbreak, the shock, the horror, the hopelessness, despair, anger, hurt, sadness, depression, brokenness. She was gone. She was buried. It was not real. It couldn’t be real. But it was.

Where I was going with this story: I read an article today on a young man by the name of Drew who took his own life.

The parents are speaking out in hopes of bringing awareness, working to make suicide less taboo, spreading strength and encouragement to people contemplating. They want to let everyone know that there is someone out there that you need to cling to. Someone who can help you through your tough time. Because no one should have to go through the loss of a child or friend.

Reading this story reminded me of my suicide attempt. It brought realization to my situation. It made me angry a little that someone with so much potential would die, and I didn’t. I felt like he should be alive and I shouldn’t. I KNOW THAT’S AN IRRATIONAL THOUGHT.

I started just thinking of Kat. I talk to Kat all the time; “I love you.” “I miss you.” “I need you.”

I tell her about my days, about what’s going on in my life and she just listens, looking down with love. I asked her to take care of this young man, to help him get to where he needs to be. To make sure he is safe and full of joy.

I know she’s taking care of him up there. I know there are so many people who love Drew, and how many people are affected by his death. I thought about Kat, how many people loved her and were affected by her death. I thought about myself, how many people love me, and how many people would be affected if I were to be successful in my attempt.

It’s hard to think about your situation from the viewpoint of ourselves because it’s hard to see how many people actually care for us. It’s hard for me to realize how many people care about me and need me alive.

I’m sorry for your loss. I can’t do anything to bring Kat back, I can’t do anything to bring Drew back. But my heart is breaking for your families. My body is aching, my mind is rattled, because I can’t even imagine what your families are experiencing right now. But I just imagine how many people would be affected by my death, and how many people are affected by your child’s death, and it kills me.

Keep reaching out.

Keep spreading awareness.

Keep holding hands.

Keep each other safe.

To everyone thinking that no one loves them, that their life isn’t worth living, that everyone would be “better off” without them: THAT IS A LIE. The world would be a different place without you. Your mom would never stop crying. Your siblings would wonder why you don’t come home anymore. Your dad would get so depressed that he couldn’t protect you. Your friends would think it’s their fault.

If you can’t live for yourself right now, live for your parents. Your siblings. Your friends. Even if it seems your parents don’t love you; I promise you they do. If you don’t have parents, I promise you there are other people who love you like their own.

Please don’t give up. Please reach out. Please ask for help. Asking for help is not a sign of weakness. It’s a sign of immense strength. It’s the first step on to the path of recovery.

Once you live for your parents, your friends, your siblings, your loved ones, it will get easier. And easier. And you will stop living for others. You will start living for yourself.

Live for yourself. Don’t take away all the potential you have. Don’t take away the sparkle in your eye, the smile that heals others’ frowns, the hands that hold others, the life that inspires others.

Live for yourself, and don’t make anyone even think about what they would say if you were to pass. If you were to take your life. Don’t even make ANYONE think about WHAT THEY WOULD SAY TO YOUR FAMILY IF YOU TOOK YOUR LIFE.

I’m sorry for your loss. NO, I’m happy for your life. I’m happy you are alive. I’m happy you are here. You mean something. You have a spot that no one else can fill.

Stay. Stay here. Stay.