Entry 25: Green Book Letter

I recently came across my Green Book Letter that I wrote in treatment. At SAFE it was not a mandatory task, but it was strongly suggested that before you are discharged to go home, you write a letter to future patients. In this letter, patients would tell little snippets of their stories and give the future patients advice on what it’s like to be at SAFE. Through this, we were trying to build a strong foundation for incoming patients to give them words of encouragement that this program isn’t as bad as it may seem. You become family with the staff, doctors, therapists, and your peers. It is an intensive program, but when you are discharged, you have learned so much valuable information on recovery and processing emotions. It’s important to share with others what you have learned, because you never know who it may help. The Green Book Letters are also used as a reference; you can always pull them out and if you are struggling with a certain thing you can read through them and see if anyone else has experienced this and what they have to say about it. It’s a really need book and I’m so lucky that mine can be included. Here is my letter:

December 09, 2012

Hello,

You are probably going through a rough time right now as you enter the SAFE Program, but I can promise you if you are willing to work as hard as you can, and get yourself up if you fall on your face, you’ll be fine.

My self-injury started my sophomore year in high school. A boy at my school committed suicide (RIP Bennett) and that triggered a lot of my feelings and thoughts of suicide. See, I was bullied to the point that I thought the only way out was suicide, and seeing someone actually carry it out brought up my thoughts. Instead of acting on my suicidal thoughts though, I decided to make a New Year’s resolution to become vegetarian; everything started spiraling out of control at that point. I started to restrict, purge, and exercise three-four hours a day. It took all my strength to tell my mom I thought I had an eating disorder, but from that point on, I started my recovery journey, which consisted of weekly appointments: therapy, psychiatry, dietitian, and physician. Little did I know, if I would of waited a few more weeks to tell my mom, I probably would be dead; my kidneys had started to shut down.

I started traditional self-injury in the spring/summer of sophomore year. After the first time doing it, I decided to do it all the time. I felt like it was the only one thing I could do to be happy. When I told my mom she freaked out and put me in the hospital. I’ve been hospitalized three times for self-injury. After the third time my parents decided to send me here (SAFE Alternatives).They said something had to change before I ruined my life.

I was reluctant to come to safe, but over these past thirty-five days I have learned valuable lessons and met lifelong friends who I never would of met if I didn’t come to SAFE. I have been starting to turn my life around. When I first came into the program I couldn’t recall the last time I had truly been happy with myself, and today I can gladly say: I am HAPPY. Getting myself to this point has not been easy. I have fell flat on my face a good number of times, but I have gotten up each time and pushed harder.

While you’re here, use the logs, they may seem redundant and ridiculous but I can vouch that they will benefit you. Take advantage of your peers and staff they may know exactly what to say to cheer you up!  J Open up and share everything. No one will judge you and you will feel relieved because you are starting to break down your walls. Something that I hope you will learn from me is that if you break the no harm-contract and are warranted probation, DO NOT LOOK AT IT AS A FAILURE. I have gotten probation four times and process questions twice. I have learned something valuable from each one of those times. I was told I would not be graduating the program and I took that really rough. But once I took a step back and realized that I had completed the program successfully, aside from breaking the no harm-contract, something happened with me. I was angry with myself for self-injuring yet again and once again it kept me from getting something I wanted. It was last night I made my mind up. I decided I am DONE letting self-injury rule my life. I am going to be happy and I am done with self-injury. It took me getting probation four times and not being able to graduate to make this decision.

You too can make this decision, this choice. The choice to live a happy, fulfilling life, self-injury FREE, LIFE.  It is not going to be an easy road to travel, but I can promise you the reward will be great. For me that reward is happiness. I believe in you. I know you can make that choice. Do it for your happiness. You deserve to be happy. Go out and chase your dreams and don’t forget: you are STRONG, you are IMPORTANT, and you are BEAUTIFUL. I wish you the best of luck.

Love,

Jules