Entry 18: It’s okay to not be okay vs. It’s okay to be okay

What is the difference? Why do we say one and not the other? What does it mean? Wait, Jules. Don’t people know it’s okay to be okay? Why do we have to remind them?

The difference is, when I am struggling it’s extremely helpful to hear the, “It’s okay not to be okay, just don’t hurt yourself.” I’m letting myself sit with my feelings without acting upon my thoughts. Just hearing that phrase, can give assurance that someone is sitting there thinking about you and praying that you are doing okay. But it also means that they think you are strong enough to get yourself through these emotions; getting through the emotions by yourself is a huge accomplishment.

It’s really hard though, at the point I’m at, because it seems as if I’m riding a teeter-totter. On one end there is returning to unhealthy behaviors and not fighting; but on the other end there is proceeding on with life, while fighting but being happy. For someone on the outside they may think that’s such an easy decision, but its not that simple.

I know I’ve wrote on this before; but for someone with a mental illness, it’s hard to think rational and hard to take that jump of WANTING to get better. Because being sick is comfortable. You know how to survive, what you can do and can’t do, how you can act, your feelings, eating habits, sleeping habits and all of that fun stuff. It’s comfortable to feel depressed because you feel it everyday, and you are constantly hearing, “It’s okay not to be okay, just don’t hurt yourself.”

But when we tip the teeter-totter and slide down to life, it’s scary. It’s uncomfortable, unfamiliar, awkward, and difficult.  It’s going out to the unknown and being thrown in the deep-end, with someone saying, “Good luck. You have all your skills.” Like what? Why would anyone want to choose that? It’s not going be fun. It’s not going to be easy. It’s not going to be comfortable.

That’s why it’s always a difficult jump to make. Through treatment you are sliding UP (For this purpose, just forget the laws of Physics here) the teeter-totter and when you exit treatment it’s like they are forcing you to slide down it. But we kick and hold on to the top because it’s what we know.

Sliding down, we don’t have anyone saying, “It’s okay to be okay.” No one says that. Recovery is so hard though. It’s so hard because you have to continuously choose it. Basically every moment of the day you have to choose recovery. Every moment of everyday, is a hella long time of fighting and making decisions.

“It’s okay to be okay.” So what does this really mean? To me it means that you are doing so well and we are so proud. Keep doing well. Keep treating yourself this way. We love having Jules hang out. We love seeing her happy. We want you to stay this way. Jules, you are doing great. Keep reminding yourself that you should not feel guilty for leaving those behaviors in the past. You need to stop missing them. They aren’t healthy for you.

Days are fun, full of joy, laughter, classes, happiness, healthiness, fighting. But then I’m by myself at night and the thoughts start flooding in. It’s then that I’m clawing, yelling and holding on to that teeter-totter, I’m desperately trying to get it to flip sides. But at the same time, I’m desperately trying to get encouragement from someone. Someone to pull me back to the healthy side.

That’s when I need, “Jules, it’s okay to be okay. You don’t owe anyone anything, you don’t need to feel guilty you are doing well. The healthier you get, the more people you have potential to help.”

It’s okay to be okay. You don’t need to feel guilty for leaving your behaviors in the past. People love you, and people will help pull you back. But when you are happy, jumping and laughing around with your friends and you sit down, contemplating why you let yourself be happy tell yourself, “Hey it’s okay to be okay.”

That’s so important to remember.

If you are on the path to recovery but still having that teeter-totter moment, tell yourself, “Kid it’s okay to be okay.” Then let yourself slide down to life.

“I always hear, ‘It’s okay not to be okay,’ and for a while I needed to hear that. But there was something else I needed to hear but didn’t realize until today. I was struggling with guilt about moving on and leaving the past behind and healing myself…. My therapist said this, ‘It’s okay to be okay. It is okay to move on. It is okay to heal. It is okay to be happy. It is okay to be alright. You are not deserting anyone. You are not abandoning the people still in the dark place. You are taking care of yourself and there is NOTHING wrong with that.’”