Entry 7: Mental Illness; Here's the thing..

This was written awhile ago, I was having incredibly bad writer's block today. I was sitting here just staring at the computer: but I found this on my computer and I edited it a bit and added a little more. It is kind of aggressive, I must have been extremely angry when I wrote this and it was probably directed at someone who told me to, "Stop thinking that way. You just need to talk positive. You need to just get over this." So I present to you, "Heres the thing.."

Here’s the thing that you don’t really understand; I started restricting and purging BECAUSE OF MY MENTAL ILLNESS, I started cutting BECAUSE OF MY MENTAL ILLNESS, I attempted suicide BECAUSE OF MY MENTAL ILLNESS. So yes in my case, mental illness is associated with cutting, because if you didn’t know, SELF-HARM IS A MENTAL ILLNESS, all forms: cutting, hair pulling, scratching, picking scabs, restricting, purging, excessive exercise, punching, hitting, burning. Every single form of self-harm is constituted as a mental illness.

Suicidal thoughts come along with bipolar disorder, because of the extreme mood swings. Mental illness takes over your life, its not as easy as stopping the thoughts, because the thoughts will always be there, no matter how healthy I become, no matter how many meds I take a day, no matter the amount of treatment or therapy. The thoughts are FROM the mental illness. I have voices that came in and took over my brain, and you know whom they are? I call them SHED (self harm eating disorder). They took over the way I live, everything I do. Yes I can fight them, of course I can, but they are relentless and they aren’t just going to go away. They may leave for awhile, say.. after I have a huge victory, but they will always come back. I imagine those suicidal scenarios because of my mental illness; it forces me to say things that normal people don’t say.

Yes I have control over whether or not I pick up a blade or a knife, but the thing is, when I cut, I black out. So in a way, I don’t have control. SHED takes control of my movements and my actions. They will do anything they can to make sure that I cut. It’s an internal battle 24/7, 365. Quite frankly, it’s a miracle I’ve made it this far. Self-harm is a mental illness, and it is also an addiction. It is as addictive as cocaine; you wouldn’t tell someone who is a habitual user, and who is legitimately addicted to the drug to just, “Stop thinking that way.” No they would have to keep using and tapering off to make sure that they don’t die from withdrawal. Then they have to fight the urges to use the rest of their life. THAT’S EXACTLY WHAT CUTTING IS. It’s an addiction. The first time someone self-harms, yes it is a choice, but the emotional distress someone has to be in to take a lifeless, cold, hard, piece of metal to their skin is unbearable. It’s not a fashion trend, its not seeking attention. It’s seriously dangerous, and when you self-harm for over a year, everything becomes a trigger.

In the world of mental illness, in regards to cutting, yes there comes a point when self-harmers will cut just for the joy of doing it. Relating it back to using cocaine, when does someone use? When they fail, are stressed, mad, angry, frustrated, upset, hurt, lonely, and even when they want to get high for fun. So looking at self-harm in context of an addiction, when it gets to the point where someone is completely addicted, they will do it whenever they have a chance. It becomes the ONLY thing that they can rely on.  Every single person I have ever come across in treatment was 100 percent addicted to self-harm. ADDICTED. Every single person in treatment cut when they were happy. As well as when they were triggered… yet, happiness can always be a trigger.

You may ask, “How can you think about cutting yourself when everything is going well and you have no problems and you are succeeding?” Well the answer to that is: it doesn’t go away. You can fight and fight and fight and it will still come back. When someone is ADDICTED to something, they don’t always see a future, and when they get to the point of not using anything, there is always withdrawal; a craving to go back to that life, because it was easier than fighting.

We live in the comfort that is our mental illness, which to any sane person, sounds irrational, but the thing is: when you’ve felt so bad for so long, when you’ve cut for so long, when SHED has been controlling you for so long you don’t know what to do when you’re not feeling bad, because that’s all you’ve ever felt.  We are learning to live again, and for many of us it’s for the first time. We don’t know how to live without these destructive coping skills in our lives. We are SCARED to recover because we don’t know what it will be like…

I think this is what I really needed to hear and to communicate to help put me back on the right path… “It’s okay to be okay. It’s okay to move on. It is okay to heal. It is okay to be happy. It is okay to be all right. You are not deserting anyone. You are not abandoning the people still in the dark place. You are taking care of yourself and there is NOTHING wrong with that.”

This reminds me of a quotation I found, it goes like this:

Let’s get a few things straight here.

Recovery never was, is, or will be a fast, joy ride quickly “fixing” you. 

Recovery never was, is, or will be a fun time.

Recovery never was, is or will be all laughs, smiles, optimism, sunshine, sparkles, happiness, hugs, and love.

Recovery never was, is, or will be only about food, weight, scales, calories, and meal plans.

Recovery never was, is, or will be just an easy adventure regaining your life, happiness, and health.

Recovery is hard, really hard.

Recovery is not quick, it may be faster for some, but it will not happen in a day, it’s a journey.

Recovery is a time where it’s okay to struggle, to feel your emotions, to cry, to feel out of control, to get frustrated, to feel sick. And it’s also okay to NOT.

But don’t think recovery is a fun, wonderful adventure where we all go eat healthy foods and send each other sweet messages.

It’s not that simple and to the ones who still fight against this disease: you are very strong and brave.

Because recovery never is, was, or will be as simple as checking yourself into treatment and being fixed in a month.

Recovery always was, is, and will be extremely hard, but it always was, is, and will be extremely worth it.”