Entry 26...But it's the 28th of January

Pain and Healing: Scars

She is destroyed

Like a glass bottle that was dropped on the ground

She was humpty-dumbty who fell

And all the King’s horses and all the King’s men

Couldn’t but her back together again

No one could put her back together

She felt she was horrible

She saw herself as a problem to everyone

She couldn’t be fixed, so why not make it worse?

There was no cure

She had no hope

She had so much pain

She didn’t know how to deal with it

She picked up the blade

Dragged it slowly across the insides of her arms

It stung, but it felt great

She did it again, again, and again

She would slide the cold, lifeless, piece of metal across her arms

She was addicted; she had no desire to stop

The sight of blood calmed her down

The ruby red, rusty smell lightened her eyes

She had lost the spark in her eyes, but this

This cutting thing was bringing it back; at least she thought

All around her people were acting weird

Pushing her away; talking behind her back

She had no one

She was alone

She was scared

She was hurt

But she did have someone; she wasn’t alone

In the middle of the night she could hear her blade talking to her

He would say, “Come on sweetie. No one cares. I’m the only one here for you.

I make you feel better

I bring the sparkle back to you

I bring you to life; the blood we draw is a sign that you are alive

It doesn’t hurt anyone else

You’ll be fine”

As the months went by, she relied on her best friend

Her blade

She didn’t go anywhere without it

She couldn’t live without it

But she got into so much trouble because of him

Because she was using him (like he told her to)

No one trusted her anymore

No one let her be alone anymore

All of her opportunities were taken away

Still he kept whispering

Talking to her in the middle of the night

Desperately asking her to use him

But she didn’t

She was recovering

There was hope

There was something that could put all of her pieces back together

His name is Jesus

He picked her up when she was on the ground

He loved her when no one else did

He refuted everything her blade said

Surely Jesus was more powerful than her blade

She listened to Him

She was devoted to Him

She was happy with Him

He brought her back to life

HE is the one who brought the true spark back to her eyes

HE is the one who taught her how to live without this monster

HE took over when He had to, to keep her safe

HE was putting her together again

Not people

Not the blade

Not herself

He was the only one who could pick up her broken pieces

He was the only one who could put her back together

He made sure she ate, slept, and kept herself hydrated

He was her savior

In the process of putting her together though

He was not able to completely fix the cracks

He glued her back together

But she was left with scars

He says that her scars make her stronger

Just as His did when He died on the cross

He told her she was beautiful no matter what

He held her head up and kept her hands from picking at her arms

Now she is covered in hundreds of scars

But she is put together again

Now she has scars all over her body

All over her body

On the inside and outsides of her arms

Her shoulders

Her hands

Her wrists

Her stomach

Her hips

Her calves

Her thighs

She has too many to count

But HE tells her that it is a sign of life

He tells her that He will never leave her

He tells her she will be loved and that He has a plan for her future

He tells her that her significant other will come

She needs to become internally strong

She needs to become confident and proud of herself

Before He could let her be involved with another

He has to make sure she loves herself

Because if she doesn’t love herself, how will a man love her?

How will she know if he is taking advantage of her?

How will she know who she really is?

Scars are NOT a sign of weakness

Scars are NOT a call for attention

Scars are NOT a sign of hopelessness

Scars represent STRENGTH

We were strong enough to beat the monsters

The monsters, who tore our lives apart

The monsters that ripped open our skin

Scars show victory

Scars remind us of where we’ve been

They are not a dictation of where we are going

Scars represent a loss of a specific war

But, the VICTORY OF A BATTLE

Sometimes, you have to lose the war to win the battle

Scars are exemplary of that phrase

They are a sign of recovery

They indicate healing

Each scar on my body has a story I will never tell

Each scar is a reminder of my worst nights, my biggest fears, and my loneliness

Each scar is beautiful

Each scar is proof that God heals

Each scar means I was stronger than whatever tried to kill me

I am a FIGHTER

But, I am still a work in progress

But, I will overcome

My scars remind me of the victories I have achieved

I am victorious

I am a victor

I am so proud of myself