Entry 3: January 3, PART 2: Two Years Since the Last Cut

I would like to start out by saying: This blog and these entries are all in my perspective. I do not know what my parents were feeling or going through when this was all happening. I believe they love me, and they are doing the best they can to cope with everything that has happened. My mom is a good person. My dad is a good person and I love them a lot.

Okay, back to the story

I really want to talk about my hospital stay in my post today. I’m going to start with the day I was admitted to the Adult Mental Health Unit; which I know I already touched on a bit, but I am going to go into further detail.

The date is December 23^rd and it’s about 5:30pm, I have been watching TV and sleeping all day in the CICU with my nurse, Renae, coming in and checking on me. My sister, and mom and dad are all coming to visit me. The best part of my day was when Renae asked Franny and I if we wanted to go on a walk around the unit we were in, to stretch my legs and get up for awhile; since I was sleeping all day. We took my IV drip and my other medicine drip along with my heart monitor and we walked in a circle and then we did another one! We got back and I broke a sweat, it was awesome.

After that I got my lunch and Franny and I watched Maury, Jerry Springer and I believe it was called Peoples’ Court. Franny has always been the comical one; she brings comedy to any situation and she was cracking jokes and making me laugh all day while we watched these shows. So then she left and my mom came, and then my mom left, and my dad came. Renae and I hung out for a while and then the psychiatrist Megan came in. We talked and she was such a great outlet for me; she asked me a lot of questions and let me just get everything out. She was so nice and helpful.

So we decided that I was going to eat my dinner, macaroni and cheese, tomato soup, lemonade and chocolate milk. I finish eating, and I page Renae and she comes in and asks if I’m ready to head up. I say yes and I start getting a bit teary eyed! Renae takes all of my wires out, and all of my IV’s and pulls up a wheelchair; she asks, “Are you ready?” And I mutter, “Yes..” and so we make the journey upstairs to the AMHU.

We make it to the elevators, then the AMHU floor, then we sit at the locked door and Renae calls them, “Hi this is Renae from the CICU, I have Juliana Bertagnolli with me, we’re ready.” And then I start tearing up a bit; Renae had taken such good care of me. I didn’t want to go to the mental health unit, “I am fine. I am fine. I am fine.” I keep telling myself over and over. Renae looks down and she gives me the kindest farewell; saying, “Juliana, you are a great girl and I have loved getting to know you today. You are so smart and caring, kind, and very pretty. Don’t hurt yourself anymore. You are better than this okay? Take care of yourself. You’re going to do great things kiddo.”

She gives me a little hug and then we depart from each other; she goes back downstairs and I go through the door. I started crying pretty hard because I was so scared I didn’t know what was going to happen today. I didn’t know what was going to happen in here. After I went through the physical evaluation, I went and talked with a different nurse and we started talking about the accident. Since I already ate dinner I then went back to my room; took a real shower, got dressed in actual clothes (not the gowns), and then I decided to start coloring for the rest of the night until I wanted to go to sleep.

My roommate’s name is A. This middle-aged man kept walking past my door and I had no idea who he was. He asked how I was doing and I told him a bit of what happened, he tells me that it’s going to be okay and that coloring is a very good coping skill. He keeps walking back and forth and then he brings me a book full of monsters, with stickers that you could decorate them with! I was ecstatic! It was such a fun activity to do. He then also brought me a coloring book and told me that he found this and he thought he should give it to me.

I fell asleep. The next day, December 24^th: Christmas Eve. So I woke up, and went into the lounge for breakfast. I was a bit scared because I didn’t know where I was going to sit because I didn’t really know anyone and so I sit down with my roommate and the people she is with; who later become good friends of mine.

My dad, Vinnie, and Louie came to visit me on Christmas Eve; they were actually the ones who visited me the most and it was so sweet. Every time I saw Vinnie he was so excited to see that I was okay. We talked for about a half hour and had a good time laughing and talking about what has been going on in their lives. After that the day is kind of a blur, but I remember getting to know A’s friends better and better. The two were named B and C and they were nice and kind from the beginning.

I was in the hospital on Christmas and I think my dad might have come to visit me, but I don’t really remember. I remember getting a coloring book, puzzles, and markers from the hospital in the morning; I was super excited about that; because that was so nice of them. OH and by this point I was really good friends with A, B, and C, because when you’re in the hospital you make friends really quickly. They understand what people outside of the hospital can’t because they have gone through such similar things. Everyone is considerate of everyone else, because the feelings others may be having are feelings that they have also had.

We had the opportunity to head down to the rec room, which is basically a room full of different physical activities that patients are able to do; like they have two bowling lanes, two pool tables, a bunch of treadmills and exercise bikes. They have balls that you can play catch with or kick around and a table full of puzzles. It’s a way that patients can get their frustrations out in a healthy environment!

On Christmas in the afternoon/evening we watched a bunch of Christmas movies like Elf, A Christmas Story—twice I think. Yeah I can’t think of really anything else we did that day. But it was probably one of the best Christmas’s I have had because I was with people who cared for me, cared about me, cared how I was feeling, and how I was doing. They cared about what I ate and everything else; it was really such a good feeling and a great day. Which when you think about it is kind of weird, like:

“Oh how was your Christmas, Jules?”

“Oh, I spent it in the mental health unit in the hospital. No big deal.”

“Oh, Okay….”

OH ONE MORE THING ABOUT CHRISTMAS, I was feeling hurt from my boyfriend… let’s call him Fred. Okay so Fred and I have been dating since the July, and just a lot of things have been going on. Basically, I felt like he was trying to control me and I didn’t really feel comfortable staying in a relationship with someone who wanted to control me. I knew I needed to get out of it but I didn’t know how. So I thought I would call him while I was in the hospital and in a safe and healthy environment, but the weirdest thing happened. I got his number from my older sister and I decided I was going to call him, so I got super nervous and I wrote out a script of what I was going to say. I call him for the first time and he answers on the last ring saying, “Hello.” After I say hello back, he hangs up.

Okay so I was like, whatever, he may have not understood who it was or something. So I called again and he answers and I say, “Hi is this Fred?” he says, “Who is this?” I say, “This is Jules.” And then BAM hangs up the phone. So I was pissed at this point and I didn’t know what to do so I called him one more time and he sent me to voicemail. So I left a voicemail basically saying that I cannot be in this relationship anymore; it’s not healthy or productive for me. I also told him how upset I was that he would have the audacity to not answer the phone.

The next few days were very good; I kept improving and kept feeling better about myself. I was very encouraged by the other patients and staff and all of the people I was in contact with while I was in the hospital. On Sunday, the day before I was to be discharged I had one of my first meltdowns of my whole stay on the unit. I had scary, terrifying dreams on Saturday night and it was really affecting me on Sunday. So I wrote them out on notebook paper, and then ripped it up and threw it away.

MONDAYYYYY: The day I am discharged. Today started as such a great day, I was so happy! Taking my meds, packing my room, talking with doctors and staff, and being so energetic the whole time that day. I was ready to go home and the one thing I had to do was call my mom. So I do. What a bad idea.

My mom shows up and we get into a conference room with a nurse named Jadie, where my mom tells me, "I do not feel comfortable with you coming back to my home because I fear the safety of myself and my children. You will be staying at your dad's from now on." 

I had the worst panic attack I have ever had, the absolute worst: I was suffocating! I had to let myself out of the room because there was no way I was going to survive that conversation. I exit the room and walk down the hall trying to calm myself down because I had to call my dad to come pick me up. There was absolutely no way I was leaving or ever talking to my mom again. My two friends, B and C came up and asked how I was doing and gave me hugs; they gave me the strength to go back in there and face my mom. She just kept saying, "You can't come home." It was honestly heartbreaking.

The day I was discharged from the hospital for attempting to kill myself and getting pretty damn close, my mother kicks me out of my house. WHAT A GREAT DAY

Anyways, my dad came and picked me up and I went back to spend the day at his dentist office. Then after that he called my sister and we went and had to move all of my stuff from my mom’s house to my dad’s house. It was not a good deal and not a good thing to have to deal with upon discharge of the hospital.

Overall, I am not going to say I am happy I tried to kill myself; BUT I am happy and I am grateful for the stay I had in the mental health unit because I have learned so much! Here are some things I learned:

1. You have to be your own hero. No one is going to do it for you. No one can save you but yourself.
2. Comedies make everything better.
3. Ripping paper is a great way to get anger out. Laughing helps with anxiety and depression.
4. Sometimes all you can do is fake it until you make it.
5. Crying is absolutely healthy but after you cry, you have to pick yourself up and get your shit together.
6.  You are able to have meltdowns, but don’t unpack and live there.
7. You have to fight for yourself, if you want to make your life better.
8. Write letters to the people who hurt you and don’t give it to them, rather burn it.
9. Do what you have to do to make yourself happy and healthy.
10. Don’t turn your back on God. He will continue to save you. Over and over again; no matter how many times you lose faith, He is always there.

All people on this earth are born with dignity. Everyone is born with the same amount of dignity so don’t ever let anyone make you feel inferior. Your life has a purpose. You are the most important thing to yourself. If you want to die, if you want to kill yourself, just remember: it’s a permanent solution for a temporary problem. All things can be overcome, you have to make the choice to fight, fight for your health, fight for your family, for yourself, for the people who love you, fight for your life. 

You are not going to get anywhere in life if you don’t make the decisions to fight.