Entry 17: True Friends

One of the worst things, I think in recovery is when you are doing so well and no one ever asks you how you are doing. I think that when people you think care about you don’t ask how you are doing, or don’t ask if recovery is going well.

I know that when I put myself through rough situations, or like in December when I attempted, all I wanted was to know I was loved and needed. But like when I got out of the hospital, close friends of mine were pissed at me. Like to the point where they refuse to talk to me anymore.

I think that is the most detrimental thing someone can do to a friend who has recently attempted. Like, after I survived all I wanted was for people to show me they cared and to show me that if I were gone, their lives would be impacted. With the people who left, it was like they were saying, “Sucks to be you. I can’t have you in my life anymore. You’re crazy.” That honestly one of the worst things to have to go through, because they say, “I just want you to be healthy and I don’t think I can be in your life until you are healthy.”

That’s not a true friend. They are throwing in the towel when things get rough, at times when you need them the most and basically just saying good luck. I’ll be back when you’re healthy. Like what?

If you have ever done this to someone, I suggest you really think about it and think about how affected that person is because of that instance.

It reminds me of this quote, “No one cares until something dramatic happens.” In my life, that is like my motto because it’s so applicable to my life. I feel like everyone leaves when I am doing WELL, because apparently I don’t need them anymore or something. OR they just ignore me and all that jazz; but as soon as something dramatic happens, I have people flocking to me and telling me how important I am and how loved I am and all that. But like why can’t you say that to me BEFORE something dramatic happens, because if you say that and let me know, then that something dramatic might NOT even happen.

A huge thing for me is knowing that people care, and I feel sometimes manipulated in that regard. People can say anything but it’s their actions that truly show you what kind of a person they are and it’s their actions that show you how much they care for you.

I think the most important thing for your friends who are fighting their asses off in recovery, is to treat them as if they are still struggling. Give them the attention that you would give a friend who is currently relapsing, or a friend who is currently at rock bottom.

Show them you care because that will continue adding fuel to their journey down recovery road. Show them how much they are loved, how important they are, beautiful, inspiring, strong, hard-working, amazing, and brave they are.

Last night, I will admit that I was struggling pretty badly. I had texted a few people just saying, “Hey how are you?” to make sure that I wouldn’t scare them. I just wanted someone to respond, you know?

Well no one really did, there were a few friends who responded and asked how I was and then just stopped respond. There were a few who didn’t respond at all. There was one, who showed me how important I am to her.

One.

I had just messaged her saying, “Hey can you talk for a sec? I’m struggling. Tonight’s a bad night. And IMMEDIATELY there was a response. She called, she continued messaging me until she was able to talk me into letting her come up and give me a hug and talk for a few minutes. She brought a smile to my face when I didn’t even want to smile. She showed me, through her actions, that I am important.

That I am loved.

That I am needed.

That I am special.

It was the one thing I was looking for, just someone who would show me they care about me. Because sometimes, the best coping skill is just sitting with your emotions and letting them pass, and having someone by your side while you do that.

Sometimes all you need is someone else.

Sometimes the thoughts are so loud, and the voices are screaming, and you try to fight back but they just keep screaming louder, they keep pestering you and will not leave you alone. No matter how hard you fight against them, no matter how loud you scream back at them. They just keep going, and you don’t know what they are going to talk you into doing. But then someone comes along who is able to shut the voices off for you just by their presence.

Those people are so unique. They are true friends.

I want to share this quote surrounding the treatment of friends in recovery.

“Public service announcement: look after your friends who are fighting their asses off in recovery in the same way you would look after your friends in the midst of their struggle or relapse. It takes so much strength and bravery to continue with recovery each and every second of every day. It is just as hard, if not more for them because they are not “giving into” their eating disorders rules, or their self harm talk... they are going against them. They are fighting…and THAT is the most difficult thing in the world. Show them the same care and concern throughout recovery as you do throughout relapse. Check in with them, show interest, support them, congratulate them, be there for them to vent to; acknowledge that they still struggle but remind them of what they are fighting for. Don’t just show up for them as soon as they relapse. Be there along the way and prove to them that they matter, always, not just when they are physically sick. Show them that you will be there, always, that you wont leave them as soon as they are well. Do that and you might just help prevent those relapses in the future. Be a true friend, not a curious friend.”