Entry 11

Since Tuesday when I came back to Cedar Falls I have felt like I was home. My friends have taken care of me by just showing me how much they care and value me. My boss was so sweet when I was the only one working for a day or two; she thanked me for being there. My other superior told me that I am a vital part to our team; which made me feel loved and important.

Today was the first day of classes and I was so nervous; but it was actually a really good day with really good classes. I woke up and took care of myself, which I don’t really do, and I went to class early to get there and scout out my room. I went to the wrong room at first, lol. Then I noticed caused I asked one of the other girls who was in that class and she was like no, this is blah blah blah class and I was like ohhhhhh, okay so let me check my schedule and I saw that I was in the wrong room and it was actually pretty funny.

Then I get to that room and I hear my name and I was like wait what? It was my friend from work, Ashlyn! She was so sweet and I sat with her and we had a good time because we both hate doing those icebreaker things; which we had to do… go figure. We also found out that we get to raise a virtual child… I think that’s just so funny. It’s gonna be great though.

Then I went to therapy and it was really rough actually. I think I might have shut down, because we were talking about what had happened over break. Which leads me to my next thought.

I feel really awkward when people ask, “Hey Jules, how was your break? What did you do?” I just wanna say, “I tried to kill myself and was in the critical intensive care unit for a day or so and then in the mental health unit for six days. I spent Christmas there! It was just fabulous. What did you do?” Like I know I can’t say that, so I just smile and say, “It was fine; yours?”

OH at therapy I shut down right? I always know the signs and I legitimately did all of them. I looked at the ground, stared at the ground for all of the whole session; started picking at my hands, started crying, got a Kleenex and messed with it until it was nothing. Wouldn’t talk. Wouldn’t look at Amy, and she could see it, I just went into a little ball, basically. Then Amy was like, “Look at me. Look at me Jules.” She said the coolest analogy. It’s too long to tell right now but I will sometime soon.

Then I came back to my room and was invited to lunch with my friends who I haven’t really spent time with in awhile. They were so nice and welcoming, it made me feel, again, so important and loved.

We went to get tickets to some shows for this semester and then they invited me to go to the shows with them! After that, I went to my last class of the day: World Geography, and I was the first one in the room. I basically became besties with my professor and then we had a fun class and it was a good day.

I don’t have a lot of words of inspiration today, I was just told by Amy that I am supposed to journal some more and say something positive about myself everyday.

Which everyone should do, for every negative thought it takes three –five positive thoughts to buffer it. 

Negative: I’m unloved and unimportant

Positive: I have a lot of friends here at school that care about me

Positive: I am a vital part of my work team

Positive: Getting these small little compliments show affection in different ways, which means I am loved