TRIGGER WARNING

The Blade

The adrenaline is rushing as

I find a small pencil sharpener

I know this is what I want

I start to take it apart and grab the blade

I have the blade and I’m getting ready to run it across my skin

I need to see blood

I need to feel pain

I don’t want to be numb anymore

I text friend after friend asking for help

Everyone said to just stop

They told me to put the blade down

They told me to use my other alternatives

But I could not do that

I had the blade

The blade is part of me now

I know what is going to happen and I don’t care

I don’t care that I will have more scars

I don’t care that I won’t be able to wear short sleeves for a while

I don’t care who I disappoint

I don’t care what people think of me

The adrenaline is rushing again

I locked my bedroom door

It is so much easier to do it here instead of at home

At home when my mom would follow me like a puppy dog

I had no one there to take the blade

No one there to hold me

No one there to show me how much they care

No one there to pick me up off the floor

I prepare myself by biting on a towel

I wasn’t sure how it would feel

I remember that it hurt

I remember that it hurt

When I am cutting I zone out the world

I am stuck in that moment

I can only focus on the blade

Running itself across my skin

When it went across my skin the first time

There was no blood

I needed to see more blood

So I kept making more

When those didn’t bleed

I went over them again with the blade

I do get scared when I cut on my forearm

Because I don’t want to slit my wrists

So I switch to the top of my arms

I kept cutting even though I knew it was wrong

I cut multiple times a day

Leaving many open wounds on my arms

I am in a relapse right now

I almost made it three years self harm free

It sucks and I know I’ve let a lot of people down

But I don’t regret it

That is the way self-harm controls me

It takes over my thoughts

It takes over my hands

It takes over the way I act

In this relapse I just don’t regret it

I want to keep cutting

I want to keep cutting

I want to keep cutting

But I know I need to stop

I’ve been hospitalized around six times

I spent two months in a residential facility

I should use my alternatives

I should use my alternatives

But I don’t

I don’t want to use them

I am obsessed and can’t stop

P.S…. Don’t worry about anything. I am safe.

I am going to therapy and seeing my psychiatrist.

Things will turn around soon enough.

I just need to find the motivation. I can’t get better for myself because I don’t want to… but I know I need to stop cutting for my girlfriend, my friends, my family; especially my youngest brother, Vinnie. He has been through a lot because of me. I want to stop cutting for him.

For my younger sister, she is my best friend and she shouldn’t have to see me hurt myself anymore.

For my dad, he provides me with everything I need and I am so thankful, I hate disappointing him.

For my younger brother and older sister, they bring comedy into the mix of everything and always make me smile.

For my mom and all the drama between us, I want to prove to her that I am worth something

I have a lot of things to be grateful for and I need to start realizing that.