Relapse?

“Relapse is a part of recovery.”

I feel like that is just an excuse to engage in destructive behavior. It’s an excuse to stay in the place where I am comfortable and relaxed; which makes that door to recovery smaller and smaller.

Why would someone want to go to a place where it’s hard as hell to walk through, to the one where you feel so uncomfortable, and where you actually have to do work. Why would someone choose that option?

It’s obvious. I like to be comfortable where I am, and engaging in self-harm is my comfort zone. This sounds SUPER bad and I know that. But I’m being as honest as I can.

It’s hard to push away the blade that is calling to me…the voices telling me that everything will be okay if I did it. They say that I should be thankful for them bringing me back to my comfort zone; and of course I fell for it.

Relapse is a horrible thing. This relapse started in November… and it’s now February almost March. I made it to about three weeks clean and then the blade started saying, “Jules come back. I need you… come back.”

So, I went back to it. Like I posted yesterday, I’m addicted to the rush it gives me, having to hide it from people. Lying to everyone through my smile. I’ve gotten very good at faking it. Someone once told me that I have to fake it until I make it.

Welp, I’m definitely still faking it.

People ask, “Jules are you okay?” But they don’t want to hear my answer because my answer because I will unload everything on them. It pushes a lot of people away. When I say something like, “Hey I need you to love me a little bit louder today,” they shrug it off like it’s nothing. They say, “Get over it,” or “Please don’t cut.”

This doesn’t make sense to me, because I’m having impulses to cut and the person just says, “Please don’t cut,” it’s not like just because I saw that text I’m going to put my blade down? It’s not that easy. It’s really not something I can flip a switch and be cured. 

“Relapse is a part of recovery.”  I don’t know if I’m going in the right direction, or going through the right doors, but I know I’ll be okay. Knowing this though means that I honestly don’t care what people think of me. They can be disappointed in me, angry, frustrated, or hurt.

I know how hard it is to be in recovery, and I don’t know if I’m ready to take that step, through the door to recovery.

Relapse sucks but it happens.

P.S. ( I'm okay, no one needs to worry about me)