In class, when we talked about this short story, it was really interesting on how diverse the impulses are, or can be. Someone’s impulse could go from stealing money from your mom’s purse to committing a homicide, and everything in between.
I personally related to the professor when she expressed her impulse was when she stands on the edge of a cliff or a bridge, she feels compelled to jump. When she said she felt compelled to jump, it reminded me of one of my friends.
When the impulse kicks into my mind, I have thoughts of doing bad things, but these bad things are usually only things that will hurt myself. I do have impulses to do something to other people, but there is no way I could ever hurt anyone else. One thing that I have struggled with for awhile now is self-harm and eating disorders, along with suicidal thoughts. When I start to get the feelings that I want to hurt myself, whether it be through cutting, or restricting, binging or purging, I know I shouldn’t do it. I know that it’s the wrong thing to do, but there is something in me that compels me to go through with it.
My friend (who is the friend I was talking about in previous paragraphs) had some of the same impulses I have. I met her in the hospital, she was there for trying to kill herself—she had attempted many times before but she always woke up. Until one day, May 8, 2013, I got a message on Facebook that she died. She was successful in carrying out her impulses.
The same thing happened to me when I was at home for Christmas break two years ago. I tried to commit suicide as well, and wasn’t successful. Everyone says, “Thank God she’s still alive,” when sometimes I don’t want to be alive.
Most of my impulses compel me to cut myself or not eat anything for a few days. Earlier this year, I was a few weeks away from becoming three years clean from self-harm, but there was a situation that just rattled me so much. This is when I relapsed. I’m not going to lie, I kept it to myself for the longest time, but like in class we were talking about how guilt can be very possible.
In the end of the story, the narrator feels so guilty that he has to tell someone about his “perfect crime.” This is how I felt when I didn’t tell anyone what I had done. The thing was, both of us had achieved our goal; his goal was to commit the perfect crime, and mine was to cut myself. We both achieved our goals, and the next thing was, telling someone. The guilt killed me, and I could not hold it in anymore and I figure that is how the narrator felt as well.
I also think that someone’s impulses do not fully disappear. The thoughts will be in my head for as long as I live, but it is just about learning how to overcome those impulses.
Culture definitely affects how my impulses were viewed, or better yet, how my body is viewed after hurting myself for so long. Usually, these behaviors are complimentary to some form of mental illness. I am diagnosed with chronic depression, anxiety disorder, and bipolar disorder.
Mental illnesses are still so stigmatized in our society today, that people who are diagnosed with an illness, are scared of other people finding out about it. When someone finds out that I am diagnosed with bipolar disorder, they change the way they act around me. They treat me like I am lesser of a person because of it, and it is really frustrating.
The story my professor told us about being compelled to jump off of something high, sparked my thoughts of my “imp of the perverse,” or my impulses. It made me realize that sometimes there really is that little voice in the back of your mind; well at least my mind, telling me that I need to cut or I need to not eat anything. My friend’s impulse, or her “imp of the perverse,” was taking her own life. The culture that we live in today affects how different people’s impulses are viewed, and how the stigmatization of mental illness is still looked down upon. All of these points that I talked about, support my belief in “the imp of the perverse.”
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