“People always want to know what it feels like, so I’ll tell you: there’s
a sting when you first slice, and then your heart speeds up when you see the
blood, because you know you’ve done something you shouldn’t have, and yet
you’ve gotten away with it. Then, you sort of go into a trance, because it’s
truly dazzling—that bright red line, like a highway route on a map that you
want to follow to see where it leads. And—God—the sweet release, that’s the
best way I can describe it, kind of like a balloon that’s tied to a little
kid’s hand, which somehow breaks free and floats into the sky. You just know
that balloon is thinking, “Ha, I don’t belong to you after all.” And at the
same time, “Do they have any idea how beautiful the view is from up here?” And
then the balloon remembers, after the fact, that it has a wicked fear of
heights.
When reality kicks in, you grab some toilet paper or a paper towel
(better than a washcloth, because the stains don’t ever come out 100 percent)
and you press hard against the cut. You can feel your embarrassment; it’s a
backbeat underneath your pulse. Whatever relief there was a minute ago
congeals, like cold gravy, into a fist in the pit of your stomach. You
literally make yourself sick, because you promised yourself last time would be
the last time, and once again, you’ve let yourself down. So you hide the
evidence of your weakness under layers of clothes long enough to cover the
cuts, even if it’s summertime and no one is wearing jeans or long sleeves. You
throw the bloody tissues into the toilet and watch the water go pink before you
flush them into oblivion, and you wish it were really that easy.”
I think this quote is literally one of the perfect descriptions of what
it’s like to self-harm. I know this could be triggering for some people, as it
is for me… but lately it’s all I can think about. I’m 6 days clean, and it feels
like there is nothing more that I want to do… all I want to do is self-harm.
But I have to be strong. I have to make it through the end of the year.
I’ve been able to cope with life more healthily.
I was in one of my classes today and I was feeling really suicidal, but I
made it through the day. The feelings passed.
The feelings always pass. It’s just learning how to get through those
feelings.
Self-harm is like a thunderstorm… the forecast says it’s going to rain…
but before the rain comes, it is just lingering… Like the thought of self-harm
is always there… just lingering.
Then the storm comes, and it starts raining… that’s when the blade comes
in…
Then lightning and thunder is when the actual self-harm happens
Then when I am done hurting myself the storm starts to clear up…
Then there is the rainbow, where I clean up and pretend that everything
is a-okay.
I know some people may be scared for me or worried about me, but I am
safe, I have a good support system. I am not going to kill myself. I WANT to
live. I want to get better. I want to stop self-harming.
I just don’t know if I want to get better enough. Not right now at least.
I have just been having super weird impulses at like super weird times.
Like I can wake up at 3am and want to self-harm, or 3 in the afternoon when I’m
watching TV with my friends. It can come in the middle of class and then that’s
the only thing I can think of!
School is number one though. I can cope with everything until the end of
the school year. I am going to be okay.
Fake it till you make it.
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