September 09, 2016

Tomorrow, September 10, 2016,  is World Suicide Prevention Day and I thought I would share some thoughts.

I honestly don’t know how to structure my words, or how to make this sound pretty and fluent; so I’m just going to type and work with what I have.

I remember the day someone told me I was fat

Usually when you ask that question, the response is always no

I wasn’t ready for the truth

Or was it the truth?

I remember when all I could think of was how great the pang of hunger felt

I remember when the thought of food disgusted me

When all I ate was nothing

All I did was drink water, and water, and water

Well, first I started by using the back of a toothbrush

I couldn’t fit my fingers all the way back there

But it just got easier as I did it

The further back I went the more came out, and the better I felt

I remember the adrenaline rush I would get as my mom knocked on the door

I had to finish quickly and let her know I was okay

“Yeah, everything’s fine.”

“I am okay.”

Once the lies started, they kept getting bigger and bigger

At that point I was so far gone that I thought what I was doing was normal

I remember a friend going through the same thing

We would try to help each other, but all we did was trigger the other

She wouldn’t eat anything that day

I wouldn’t eat anything the next day

I vomited five times today

She vomited six times tomorrow

Then she told me she tried something knew and it made her feel super good

I wanted to feel super good

I waited until no one was home when I walked into the kitchen

And picked up the knife, and ran it across my legs

Nothing happened though

I thought blood was supposed to come out

So I tried it on my arms

Still nothing

The door opened and I ran to put the knife back

I sprinted to the couch and told them I hadn’t moved

I told my friend and she told me not to do it

But that was just like an invitation to do it more

I remember the first time I took a baby pencil sharpener apart

It was quite easy; all I needed was a baby screwdriver

That was when hell broke loose

It was summer

I cut all up and down my arms because I wanted to feel super good

I thought the more I cut the better I would feel

Well, to be honest I did, but then I didn’t

It was a never-ending cycle

Cut

Feel good

Feel bad

Cut again

My friend was struggling with the same thing

Like I said we tried to support each other

But when two people are going through the same thing

We don’t know how to help each other

I remember the first time I had to go to the hospital

I begged and cried and screamed not to stay there overnight

I knew all the right answers

I got to go home, but come back during the day

I kept getting worse

I tried to stop, but it wasn’t whole-heartedly

Deep down I still wanted to cut

So I did

I remember the day I lost my blade

Freaking out, crying, hurting

I couldn’t tell anyone but my friend

She tried to tell me it would be okay, but I didn’t listen

I remember the second time I went to the hospital

This time it was in the morning

I answered the questions just how they expected

Lying my heart out, losing a piece of me with each lie

The whole time I still was purging, and restricting

I remember going to the doctors and having all of these tests done

I remember when I accidentally saw the reports of my blood

My kidneys were in the first few stages of failure

I knew I had to eat, so I tried, but I couldn’t

I started cutting in places that my parents wouldn’t find

Thighs, shins, stomach, hips

Literally anywhere

I remember the third time I went to the hospital

By this time, I was a pro at lying

I got off with day treatment for a week

I kept doing what I was doing; it didn’t affect me

Then, I get pulled into this room

I was told tomorrow I am leaving Des Moines and I am going somewhere

St. Louis, for treatment

This time it wasn’t just day treatment

I remember my friends, girls who were going through the same thing

I remember my staff, people with the purest hearts

I remember my therapist and all times she made me do phone therapy with the fam

I remember the day my family came to pick me up

I was clean for over 200 days

The cuts became scars

The scars started to fade

The feelings came back

I remember the first cut after treatment

How bad I felt afterwards

How I knew it was wrong but I did it anyways

How I knew if anyone find out they would disown me

I remember the fist time I went back to the hospital after treatment

The shame I brought on my family

The hurt I caused my parents

The pain my siblings felt

Since then I have been clean for almost two years

But then something bad happened

The light finally went out of my eyes as I downed the bottle of pills

The light was gone

I wake up in a hospital bed

Trying to convince myself, and my family, that it was just an accident

I remember talking to the psychiatrist on call, telling her I saw the light

But at the same time I was telling her I was okay

Then I find out I have to go inpatient

On the adult ward

I was scared

Then I met other friends

They helped me get through the tough times

They helped talked me down when I felt suicidal again

They were the ones who loved me

They carried me through the day of my discharge

My life was turned upside down

I had to adjust to a new normal

I had to face the fact that I had attempted to take my own life and almost succeeded

Today, although I still have moments of sadness, I am on the right dose of meds

Working on my own mental health and taking the precautions I need

I am attending university, and I have my own service animal

She keeps me active and content

There are a lot of things to live for...

Live for the moment when you get an A on your test and everyone else failed

Live for when the sun shines down on your skin

Life for the chance to have a better life

Live for all the people who love you

Better yet, live for the people you love

One day it will all work out...     you just have to stay