Dear self

Dear 15-year-old self,

Here are some tips for you as you continue to grow older.

1. Wear whatever you want, no matter what the girls tell you. If you want to wear shorts and a t-shirt, then do it. If you want to wear cargo pants, do it. If you never want to wear a dress, don’t put it on. Go out and get nice dress pants. Don’t suppress your identity for anyone.

2. There will come a point in your life where you turn into a different person. You will turn cold, mean, heartless. Fight those feelings with everything you can. You don’t want to lose those friends. Don’t push people away.

3. You’re going to get sad, like really sad. It’s going to be diagnosed as depression. Yes, you are going to have to take meds. No, you cannot stop taking them by yourself. You are going to be sad but don’t let it keep you from following your dreams. Don’t let it stop you from doing anything.

4.  One day, you’re going to want to hurt yourself. Don’t. Tell yourself you are stronger than that. Go for a run, call up a friend, go for a drive, watch TV with the kids, go paint your nails, take your sister to the soccer fields and play around. Don’t pick up the blade. You will regret it.

5. You will have to go away for a while and you are going to hate it at first, but after a few days, it’s not so bad anymore. They are good people, trust them. They will be there for you through this time. Your family is not going to forget about you. You are there because they are pouring their love out on you. They want you to live and stop hurting yourself, listen to them.

6. When you feel yourself start to get bad again, don’t turn to your negative coping skills. Put the bottle down. There are better ways to deal with things. Call someone. Call a hotline. Don’t put yourself back in the hospital.

7. Your heart is going to break, multiple times. When this happens, know that it is NOT your fault. You did everything right. It was them who messed up. They were the ones who hurt you. Just remember, what’s broken can be fixed. Don’t wait for that person. You are not unloved. One day, you will find that love, but for now, build yourself up and fix your own heart. You don’t need to be saved.

8. There will come a day when you will be covered in scars. Don’t let that limit you. You were stronger than the demons that were trying to kill you. You’re going to feel ashamed, don’t. Everyone has scars, they just aren’t from the same thing. Don't base your self-worth on what others think of you. 

9. Join those clubs. Don’t let your fear keep you from doing things you are interested in. I assure you, you will love it. Go out with that group of friends, you can never have enough friends. You deserve to have a little fun.

10. You will want to ask that girl/boy out… do it! You never know until you try. If it ends badly, shake it off. It may be awkward for awhile, but the faster you get over it, the better you will feel. Don't let it ruin all hope for the future.

 11. Take care of yourself. You can follow these steps all you want, but you have to take care of yourself. If you are feeling down, and someone texts you wanting to talk because they are feeling down, take care of yourself first.

12. Love yourself. Don’t treat yourself poorly. Yes, you are going to struggle with this. But really try, TRY to love yourself. You are perfect the way you are.

13. One day, you’re going to be happy, like really happy. 

It might not be today, it might not be tomorrow, but someday, I swear you will be happy. There will be a day where you no longer think of hurting yourself.

You are a good person. Don’t forget that.

Love,

Your 20-year-old self