recovery or relapse

Hi everyone! I'm so sorry for not posting sooner, I've been busy actually LIVING. 
Here is my newest work...

Recovery is like sitting at the bottom of a roller coaster, begging your parents to let you ride it. The longer you are in recovery, the further up the stairs you go, thinking “Oh I got this. I’m good.”…until you are at the top and you get on the roller coaster where you are locked in, you ride the coaster going up and down and around; you are scared, nervous and frustrated. This is relapse.

Relapse locks you in, it takes you on an emotional journey where things go back to the first time you were on that roller coaster. You start with those behaviors again, and you can’t stop. You reach out for help, but no one can unlock you! No one can help you. The only way to get out of the relapse is to say STOP, I've had enough! You get off that roller coaster and run to your parents or friends at the bottom and you ask for help.

Then, when you are walking around the amusement park with them and you are talking about your struggles and how you need to stay in recovery and you need their help. But they see their other friends and leave you all alone.

This is when you realize you can walk around the park by yourself. You realize that you need to take care of yourself because no one else will.  

Dear self

Dear 15-year-old self,

Here are some tips for you as you continue to grow older.

1. Wear whatever you want, no matter what the girls tell you. If you want to wear shorts and a t-shirt, then do it. If you want to wear cargo pants, do it. If you never want to wear a dress, don’t put it on. Go out and get nice dress pants. Don’t suppress your identity for anyone.

2. There will come a point in your life where you turn into a different person. You will turn cold, mean, heartless. Fight those feelings with everything you can. You don’t want to lose those friends. Don’t push people away.

3. You’re going to get sad, like really sad. It’s going to be diagnosed as depression. Yes, you are going to have to take meds. No, you cannot stop taking them by yourself. You are going to be sad but don’t let it keep you from following your dreams. Don’t let it stop you from doing anything.

4.  One day, you’re going to want to hurt yourself. Don’t. Tell yourself you are stronger than that. Go for a run, call up a friend, go for a drive, watch TV with the kids, go paint your nails, take your sister to the soccer fields and play around. Don’t pick up the blade. You will regret it.

5. You will have to go away for a while and you are going to hate it at first, but after a few days, it’s not so bad anymore. They are good people, trust them. They will be there for you through this time. Your family is not going to forget about you. You are there because they are pouring their love out on you. They want you to live and stop hurting yourself, listen to them.

6. When you feel yourself start to get bad again, don’t turn to your negative coping skills. Put the bottle down. There are better ways to deal with things. Call someone. Call a hotline. Don’t put yourself back in the hospital.

7. Your heart is going to break, multiple times. When this happens, know that it is NOT your fault. You did everything right. It was them who messed up. They were the ones who hurt you. Just remember, what’s broken can be fixed. Don’t wait for that person. You are not unloved. One day, you will find that love, but for now, build yourself up and fix your own heart. You don’t need to be saved.

8. There will come a day when you will be covered in scars. Don’t let that limit you. You were stronger than the demons that were trying to kill you. You’re going to feel ashamed, don’t. Everyone has scars, they just aren’t from the same thing. Don't base your self-worth on what others think of you. 

9. Join those clubs. Don’t let your fear keep you from doing things you are interested in. I assure you, you will love it. Go out with that group of friends, you can never have enough friends. You deserve to have a little fun.

10. You will want to ask that girl/boy out… do it! You never know until you try. If it ends badly, shake it off. It may be awkward for awhile, but the faster you get over it, the better you will feel. Don't let it ruin all hope for the future.

 11. Take care of yourself. You can follow these steps all you want, but you have to take care of yourself. If you are feeling down, and someone texts you wanting to talk because they are feeling down, take care of yourself first.

12. Love yourself. Don’t treat yourself poorly. Yes, you are going to struggle with this. But really try, TRY to love yourself. You are perfect the way you are.

13. One day, you’re going to be happy, like really happy. 

It might not be today, it might not be tomorrow, but someday, I swear you will be happy. There will be a day where you no longer think of hurting yourself.

You are a good person. Don’t forget that.

Love,

Your 20-year-old self

Sophie is life

The day I was approved to bring a service animal to campus was one I’ll never forget. I was so happy; I was going to start looking for my new little love.

The first cat I thought of was Cruz. Cruz is still healthy and alive, but I adopted him when I was a senior in high school. He was such a cute little kitten, snuggled with me all the time and was so great at giving his love. As I went away to college, he started to forget me and I think that’s normal, because he was with my family everyday and didn’t see me anymore.

So I asked my mom if I could take my Cruz with me to college as my emotional support animal. Of course, she said no, but I didn’t see this as a negative thing! It just meant that I was going to have to search form my new new little love.

When I found Mama Sophie’s kittens on the Animal Lifeline of Iowa website, I knew one of those kittens was mine. I went to visit and the first time I saw her was like love at first sight. She was the littlest kitten in the litter of three boys and two girls. She was about 7-8 weeks old when we met. Baby Sophie came over to me and climbed in my lap and just sat there while I petted her. I would put her against my chest and she would love the beat of my heart. I felt hers too and it was magical.

She was this tiny kitten, who could only give her love. She had a lot of visitors though, so she gave out a lot of love.

As she got older, she was no longer the littlest sibling; her sister became the littlest. Baby Sophie loved to eat. She would fight her brothers for food and would actually move them out of the way!

She started to get feisty! She loved to fight her brothers and run around the room. I remember one time I was playing with her and she climbed on top of the counter and all she wanted to do was climb on the windowsill. Lol she was the funniest little thing ever. Because she was so small, she had to stay at the orphanage for a few weeks before I could bring her home. I would always bring my family and friends over to meet her and they all fell in love.

Now, she is getting bigger and healthier and she is the sweetest thing ever. She is up in Cedar Falls with me, living in my little dorm room and she rules the room. She is definitely the queen of the room. For a long time, she just loved running around and playing, she never liked to cuddle, but being up here she has truly been a lifesaver. Whenever I get down, or start to cry or feel suicidal or triggered she is right there, jumping into my lap. I think she has this sixth sense of when she needs to love me a little harder.

She teaches me how to be a better mother every day; she loves me when I don’t think anyone else does. She’s a constant in my life. I get to come home to her peaceful presence every day and being with her just makes me smile. She does the silliest stuff sometimes. It’s great.

She’s definitely one of the best things that have ever happened to me.

She is one of my reasons to stay.

September 09, 2016

Tomorrow, September 10, 2016,  is World Suicide Prevention Day and I thought I would share some thoughts.

I honestly don’t know how to structure my words, or how to make this sound pretty and fluent; so I’m just going to type and work with what I have.

I remember the day someone told me I was fat

Usually when you ask that question, the response is always no

I wasn’t ready for the truth

Or was it the truth?

I remember when all I could think of was how great the pang of hunger felt

I remember when the thought of food disgusted me

When all I ate was nothing

All I did was drink water, and water, and water

Well, first I started by using the back of a toothbrush

I couldn’t fit my fingers all the way back there

But it just got easier as I did it

The further back I went the more came out, and the better I felt

I remember the adrenaline rush I would get as my mom knocked on the door

I had to finish quickly and let her know I was okay

“Yeah, everything’s fine.”

“I am okay.”

Once the lies started, they kept getting bigger and bigger

At that point I was so far gone that I thought what I was doing was normal

I remember a friend going through the same thing

We would try to help each other, but all we did was trigger the other

She wouldn’t eat anything that day

I wouldn’t eat anything the next day

I vomited five times today

She vomited six times tomorrow

Then she told me she tried something knew and it made her feel super good

I wanted to feel super good

I waited until no one was home when I walked into the kitchen

And picked up the knife, and ran it across my legs

Nothing happened though

I thought blood was supposed to come out

So I tried it on my arms

Still nothing

The door opened and I ran to put the knife back

I sprinted to the couch and told them I hadn’t moved

I told my friend and she told me not to do it

But that was just like an invitation to do it more

I remember the first time I took a baby pencil sharpener apart

It was quite easy; all I needed was a baby screwdriver

That was when hell broke loose

It was summer

I cut all up and down my arms because I wanted to feel super good

I thought the more I cut the better I would feel

Well, to be honest I did, but then I didn’t

It was a never-ending cycle

Cut

Feel good

Feel bad

Cut again

My friend was struggling with the same thing

Like I said we tried to support each other

But when two people are going through the same thing

We don’t know how to help each other

I remember the first time I had to go to the hospital

I begged and cried and screamed not to stay there overnight

I knew all the right answers

I got to go home, but come back during the day

I kept getting worse

I tried to stop, but it wasn’t whole-heartedly

Deep down I still wanted to cut

So I did

I remember the day I lost my blade

Freaking out, crying, hurting

I couldn’t tell anyone but my friend

She tried to tell me it would be okay, but I didn’t listen

I remember the second time I went to the hospital

This time it was in the morning

I answered the questions just how they expected

Lying my heart out, losing a piece of me with each lie

The whole time I still was purging, and restricting

I remember going to the doctors and having all of these tests done

I remember when I accidentally saw the reports of my blood

My kidneys were in the first few stages of failure

I knew I had to eat, so I tried, but I couldn’t

I started cutting in places that my parents wouldn’t find

Thighs, shins, stomach, hips

Literally anywhere

I remember the third time I went to the hospital

By this time, I was a pro at lying

I got off with day treatment for a week

I kept doing what I was doing; it didn’t affect me

Then, I get pulled into this room

I was told tomorrow I am leaving Des Moines and I am going somewhere

St. Louis, for treatment

This time it wasn’t just day treatment

I remember my friends, girls who were going through the same thing

I remember my staff, people with the purest hearts

I remember my therapist and all times she made me do phone therapy with the fam

I remember the day my family came to pick me up

I was clean for over 200 days

The cuts became scars

The scars started to fade

The feelings came back

I remember the first cut after treatment

How bad I felt afterwards

How I knew it was wrong but I did it anyways

How I knew if anyone find out they would disown me

I remember the fist time I went back to the hospital after treatment

The shame I brought on my family

The hurt I caused my parents

The pain my siblings felt

Since then I have been clean for almost two years

But then something bad happened

The light finally went out of my eyes as I downed the bottle of pills

The light was gone

I wake up in a hospital bed

Trying to convince myself, and my family, that it was just an accident

I remember talking to the psychiatrist on call, telling her I saw the light

But at the same time I was telling her I was okay

Then I find out I have to go inpatient

On the adult ward

I was scared

Then I met other friends

They helped me get through the tough times

They helped talked me down when I felt suicidal again

They were the ones who loved me

They carried me through the day of my discharge

My life was turned upside down

I had to adjust to a new normal

I had to face the fact that I had attempted to take my own life and almost succeeded

Today, although I still have moments of sadness, I am on the right dose of meds

Working on my own mental health and taking the precautions I need

I am attending university, and I have my own service animal

She keeps me active and content

There are a lot of things to live for...

Live for the moment when you get an A on your test and everyone else failed

Live for when the sun shines down on your skin

Life for the chance to have a better life

Live for all the people who love you

Better yet, live for the people you love

One day it will all work out...     you just have to stay

I don't know why

Do you ever get really, really sad but you can't explain why?

And your crying, but you don’t know why

Asking for help becomes difficult

because usually when someone is sad you ask them, “Why?” “Why are you sad?” “Did something happen?”

But when you don’t have an answer to that question, it gets hard for others to support you, or to offer help and advice.

I always have this need to ask for help, but I don’t ever do

I stay quiet, I say nothing, because what could I say?

I’m really hurting right now but I don’t know why.

I’m really really sad right now but I don’t know why.

I’m depressed and I want to cut but I don’t know why.

Nights are the worst for me but I don’t know why.

I’m struggling but I don’t know why.

Then, when the crying stops, the feelings in my stomach start.

My stomach doesn’t get upset, or anything like that… but it’s the feeling I get when the sadness is there and the crying stops.

I can be laughing and totally be fine and literally the next moment I am really really sad but don’t show any physical symptoms.

I don’t know why