Family

I started watching a show called, “The Fosters,” and through watching it, I feel like I’m a part of a family. I know I have my own family, but things have been different. I haven’t really felt like a part of the family anymore. When I left for college things started to change… I wasn’t there 99% of the time and still the family went on.

I did my thing up in Cedar Falls: class, work, eat, sleep and repeat. My freshman year I had a good group of friends that made me feel like I was a part of something again. But my sophomore year I didn’t really have a set group of friends. I didn’t feel like I was a part of a whole. I just felt like I was a missing puzzle piece. I felt like I was on my own, and of course I had friends. Here and there Hello’s and Goodbye’s, the occasional hang out session, movie nights sometime, but nothing ever felt right.

This year I felt alone, and that’s because I was.

My family went on without me, and they welcomed me home when I would come back, but it was never the same. I missed the joy of the everyday life with my family, I missed waking up to my sister in the bed next to me. I missed having to share the bathroom with Sammy and Franny and fight over the sink and mirror. I missed my brothers whining. I missed the everyday things. I just missed seeing my family everyday.

I missed the little things and I missed the big things.

Then, my parents got divorced.

Then, my mom kicked me out of my house. My home. The place I grew up and where all of my memories were made.

Mom, if you are reading this I love you, but I’m angry. I’m angry that you tell people I CHOSE to move out. That I CHOSE to walk out on the family. I CHOSE to leave the place I grew up in, the one place I felt safe and comfortable.

I don’t feel like part of a family. My mom threw me out of the house and I don’t think she understood that she was subliminally telling me I wasn’t good enough.

I wasn’t worth it.

Did they not want me anymore?

I feel rejected, unloved, unwanted and uncared for.

I live with my dad now, and things are really, really different. He tries to make me feel as loved as he can, but it’s not the same.

I watch this show and I feel important. Like I’m part of a family. Like I’m loved. I like seeing their dynamics and learning new things about them. I like seeing how much Steph and Lena (the moms) love their kids. How they embrace all of them, and accept Callie and Jude into their family. I like seeing a family where love is what holds them together.

In the show, Brandon, the oldest brother says, “There’s enough to go around.” Meaning, there’s enough love to go around. When he says that its makes me feel like he is talking to me as well.

Jules, we have enough love for you. You can be a part of our family. We will accept you. We will embrace you. We will keep you safe.

Then Lena says, “DNA doesn’t make a family, love does.”

Some day I will feel like a part of a whole again, but for now it’s just me, my dad, and my show.

Sophomore Year: Growth

To whom it may concern,

“Anytime you’re going to grow, you’re going to lose something. You’re losing what you’re hanging onto to keep safe. You’re losing habits that you’re comfortable with, you’re losing familiarity.” 

I met with my therapist for the last time this year and it was very bitter sweet. She has helped me with so many things over the year, and it’s going to be weird not having her to go to. In our last session, we went over the year and looked at how much I’ve grown.

I went from a girl with a life full of sorrow and pain to a girl who is happy with herself. At the beginning of the year, I came into school thinking things were going to be fine. I had just got out of a bad relationship and I was dating a new guy who I thought really liked me. I was rooming with my best friend and we were working at the same place and school was going to be great.

Then my parents announced they were getting a divorce

Then my boyfriend started acting weird because he was going to basic

Then my roommate and I got in the biggest argument

When my parents, well my mom specifically told us she was filing for a divorce my heart ripped. I have always looked up to my parents’ relationship. They’ve always been “Jennifer and Rico” and now its just Jennifer, and just Rico. They used to love each other so much that you could see it in the way their eyes lit up when the other walked in the room; or when one of us kids said/did something funny they would lock eyes and I could only imagine they would be thinking something along the lines of, “We made such good kids.” They used to go out together and get shit faced (yes you did, don’t deny it), but they always seemed to be having a good time.

They had a routine every morning which obviously changed over the years, but for so long every morning in the Bertagnolli house mom would wake us up, rip off the blankets if necessary, then she would go downstairs to do her daily devotions. Then dad would come out of their room smelling like fresh cologne, and we would all go downstairs together to eat breakfast. My dad would make oatmeal with cinnamon sugar and butter and my mom would get him a glass of milk. Us kids would complain because mom always made us watch the news and then dad would kiss all of our foreheads, mom’s lips, and be on his way to work.

I miss that.

Now, after getting kicked out of my childhood home, I live with my dad in an apartment above Zombie Burger.

My boyfriend, who apparently loved me so much, was a douche and it took me way long to notice it. He took things from me that can never be replaced, but I don’t hate him. He showed me what kind of relationship I never want to be in again. I had to break up with him on Christmas because he was very demanding in his letters from basic and expected me to do things for him that was not fair. He didn’t appreciate who I was and what I was going through. ***PAUSE***

My roommate and I were such good friends for literally the whole semester up until the last few weeks. I like to say we just spent way too much time together and all the little things just were bottled up for too long and we both blew up on each other. It did result in some uncomfortable classes, lonely nights in a strange room alone, awkward work encounters and hostility. We made the decision to stop talking to each other because it was too hard for me to see her and think the things I was.

Christmas break, things were going to be great because it was Christmas! Christmas brings everyone together. LOL or not. My loving family, brothers, sisters, and mom triggered me just one too many times, and it was on a night I just couldn’t handle things anymore and my depression was way to strong, I tried to kill myself. Took over 70 pills.

I’m still trying to cope with what happened that night.

I stayed in the critical intensive care unit for two days and was then transferred to the mental health unit, where I spent my Christmas. Which brings me to the boyfriend again… ***UNPAUSE*** so things were going so rough between us that I had enough. I was in the hospital, and I hadn’t even gotten a call from him. So I talked with a therapist there and she helped me build the courage to call him and break up with him. It felt like a weight was lifted off my shoulders. I could finally breathe again.

I came back to school after Christmas break as a broken, helpless, poor little girl. I needed constant attention to stay safe. I couldn’t take care of myself and I didn’t want to. I went to class, tried to do homework, and went to therapy weekly, slept A LOT. I had no friends and surely the friends I did have wouldn’t want to hang out with someone who couldn’t even get out of bed.

I was working with my therapist to keep myself safe, but I just didn’t want to. I kept slipping and sliding down a dangerous road, thankfully, because of some GREAT people, I was able to stand up again.

My RA, Sarah, has been one of the best things I was blessed with this year. She let me break down in her room; we would talk, watch movies, cry, color, sit and not even talk. She was one of the reasons I decided to make the choice to want to keep myself safe. I want to make her proud.

I had a true friend, Morgan, offer her love and support to me and she has been just such a joy. I know I can always turn to her in good situations and bad. I had some sleepless nights in her room, just full of sorrow and pain and she nursed me back to health. She’s such a great person. I’m forever grateful for the help she has given me.

So then, spring break, I went on a life-changing trip with an organization STLF. We went on a service trip across the northeast of the US; it was with a group of forty other strangers all coming together with the desire to spend their spring break offering their services.

I had some not so great nights on that trip, some really really not so great nights. But I had people who cared about me. They cared about me and for me when I couldn’t do it for myself. All I wanted was to die and they kept me alive.

Jenny, Makayla, Amelia, Liz, Rachel:  you guys have no idea how much everything you’ve done for me means. I honestly don’t know if I would be here right now without you guys. I don’t know what the result would have been if I stayed home or at school over spring break. I’m glad I had you guys. You all have such caring hearts and I look up to you. You make me want to be a better person, and you have given me the motivation to actually make the step towards safety and healthiness.

That’s why when I got back from the trip I decided to change who I was. I was done holding on to the part of me that didn’t want to get better. It was time for me to rise from the ashes as a new person. I took therapy way more seriously. I started doing my cognitive behavioral therapy activities whenever I had a negative thought or impulse. I started actually using my coping skills instead of just looking at a sheet of paper that had a list of them. I started getting up in the morning telling myself that I could do it.

I started praying again

I started laughing again

I started hanging out with friends again

It’s been awhile since I have made that decision, and I can’t explain to you just how dramatically my life has changed. Yes, I still have moments where the depression hits. BUT instead of reaching out to others, and making others responsible for “fixing” me, I now have the ability for positive self-talk. I can talk myself down from a situation. I can bring myself up.

I give myself affirmations in my mind instead of tearing myself down.

I do my therapy activities when I need them

I don’t isolate

I don’t want to die anymore

I don’t want to die anymore!

I just received test scores back from the Iowa Dental Board and it’s official! I AM NOW A DENTAL ASSISTANT! That was one of the best things that happened this semester! I studied for weeks and my hard work paid off!

I’m ready to see the hard work I am putting into fixing myself pay off. Things are going to start looking up, and that’s all because I made a simple decision.

I am ready to grow, to lose the familiarity of relying on my illness and let go of the unhealthy coping skills that I thought were keeping me safe. I am forming new habits that I’m becoming comfortable with, and I’m creating my new normal.

My therapist and I looked over all of these things and we made the decision that I had grown, and I will continue to grow. 

Happy end of sophomore year! :) 

                                                                                                                              Thanks for reading! 

                                                                                                                                        Jules 

scars

There’s a song by Johnny Diaz called, “Scars,” and it has a really good meaning behind it. The chorus goes something like this,

“Praise God we don’t have to hide scars, they just strengthen our wounds and they soften our hearts. They remind us of where we have been, but who we are. Praise God, Praise God we don’t have to hide scars.”

So why do I feel like I have to hide my scars from everyone?

When you look at my arms you see scars, upon scars, upon scars. On the inside of my left arm, there is the word “perfect.”

The biggest one is on my left arm, its story is too hard to explain.

I don’t praise God for not having to hide my scars, because I do hide mine. I have to hide mine.

Reasons to Live: Cause it's just that kind of Day

Reasons to live:

Here’s what I came up with:

• Vinnie
• Sammy
• Louie
• Franny
• Dad
• Mom
• Friends
• Vinnie baseball
• Louie’s football and golf
• Vinnie soccer and football
• Sammy’s graduation from high school
• Louie’s graduation from 8^th grade
• Vinnie graduation from 8^th grade
• Louie’s Kairos
• Louie’s graduation from high school
• Vinnie’s Kairos
• Vinnie’s graduation from high school
• Graduating from college
• Acceptance into grad school
• Joining the peace corps
• Skydiving
• Scuba diving
• Falling in love
• Getting married
• Being pregnant
• Child birth
• Adoption process
• Traveling to a different country to meet my child
• Meeting my child for the first time
• Witnessing a miracle
• Traveling around the US
• All states
• Traveling around the world to add more countries to the list of places I’ve been
• Africa
• Uganda
• Ethiopia
• Kenya
• South Africa
• Madagascar
• Asia
• China
• Japan
• Europe
• Austria
• Greece
• Italy
• Luxembourg
• Netherlands
• Spain
• Switzerland
• South Pacific
• New Zealand
• Fiji
• Central America
• Guatemala
• Costa Rica
• Cuba
• South America
• Argentina
• Brazil
• Colombia
• Chile
• Peru
• Venezuela

Here’s what I found online:

• Sunrises
• Climbing trees
• The way the earth looks/smells after it rains
• When a cat sits on your lap instead of the laps of the 8 other people in the room
• The feeling you get when you beat an anxiety attack
• Creating art
• Finishing a piece of art
• When someone says, “That reminded me of you.”
• Meeting a person who feels the same way you do about the world, knowing you’re not as alone as you thought you were
• Eye contact with a beautiful stranger
• The rush you feel driving through an intense thunderstorm
• Laughing so hard you pee your pants
• Letters in the mail
• Family events you don’t want to go to that make you feel surprisingly thankful
• Getting so full you have to unbutton your pants
• Acing a test
• Forgiving others and yourself
• When someone says, “I’m proud of you.”
• Telling someone how much you love them
• You have forever to be dead
• Sleep
• Kittens
• How awesome it feels when a class gets cancelled
• Hearing the song that has been stuck in your head all day
• To fade your scars
• To help someone
• Falling asleep to rain
• Baby laughter
• Books you can’t put down
• Coffee
• Hot cocoa
• Finally proving someone wrong
• Strangers smiling at you
• The ability to share your story
• Making a difference
• Going on dates
• Old people discounts
• You know what life is, but death is unknown
• You wouldn’t be able to pick the clothes you would be buried in
• Funerals are expensive
• There may not be chocolate in the afterlife
• No one deserves to become a statistic
• Life can change, but death is pretty absolute
• Seeing Finding Dory when it comes out
• Seeing your best friend get married
• Ice cream
• The feeling you get when you don’t have to set an alarm for the next day
• When teachers use your work as a good example and you’re just like, “Fuck yeah.”
• Amusement parks
• The butterfly project
• When a baby holds on to one of your fingers with their entire hand
• Learning the lyrics to an Eminem song and being able to rap it like a boss
• The cold side of the pillow
• Random unexpected texts
• When you meow at a cat and it meows back
• When you start smiling and can’t stop it
• Getting random amounts of money
• Sunsets