Check-ins

I haven't wanted to blog lately because I've either been too upset, too happy, too busy, too lazy or too sleepy! I have had a lot happen since the last time I blogged!

I have also had a bad case of writer's block. I have no desire to write right now,  but I felt the need to just sit down and just write a little something.

So the last entry was about anger. Alright well my anger is containable haha I've been working on things to help with the stress and everything else.

I've also had interviews, two to be specific for a job. Fingers crossed; but I won't know for awhile so I'm trying to stay positive! :) It's working, and when it doesn't I employ my coping mechanisms.

When I said on Facebook that I had an "episode" I did. I am safe, I am healthy and I am loved! That was made evident to me through the support and kindness of my family here at school.

I have so many people to be thankful for here and it hurts my heart to think that they are graduating or moving on to bigger and better things!

I am doing well, and everything is going well. Thanks for all of your thoughts, prayers, and support!

part one

I’m so angry right now

I don’t know I don’t know I honestly don’t know

I have killed myself for so long

I separated my soul from my body

Since I was killing my soul, I needed to kill my body too

I hated who I was

Hated

HATED

I couldn’t stand myself

Can I stand my self now?

Should I stand myself now?

Will I stand myself now?

I don’t know

I don’t know

I need to fill myself up

Why do I keep tearing myself down

Why can’t I fill myself up

I need to fill myself up

I tore apart my soul

I tore it apart

Why

Why could I take my own soul and break it

I hurt my body to hurt my soul

I hurt my body to hurt my soul

I hurt my body to break my soul

I hurt my body to kill my soul

The things that I have told myself

I would never imagine saying to anyone else

The things I have told myself have killed me

Killed me

Not physically though

Not physically though

Not physically though

Only emotionally

The anger I have in my soul is burning as bright as fireworks

Fireworks of fits

Fireworks of blowups

Fireworks of hate

When I am experiencing these fireworks

The only thing I can do is go with them

I have to trust myself to go with the flow

Sometimes it doesn’t work out

Anger is a surface level emotion

There is always something deeper going on

Sadness, hurt, neglect, fear

Disappointment

What can I do with those feelings? 

Entry 29: Happy Bday

Francesca Bertagnolli

Hmmm. What words could I use to describe her?

Comical

Compassionate

Internal Strength

Smart

Caring

Hard-headed

She is someone who will drop everything in order to help another person. She gives her time, effort, and money into relationships, which makes her a generous person.

She always brings comedy into whatever situation we are in; if Sam and I are fighting, she’ll bring up something we all used to do together to make us laugh. Or when I was in the hospital she came and visited me almost every day and we would watch Jerry Springer, Maury and People’s Court…. Which are all freakin hilarious. But those are real people’s lives so… yeah okay back to Franny. The night I OD’d she met us at the hospital and was making me laugh the whole time, doing her little twirls and random dance stuff.

She is the scapegoat in our family and I feel so bad. Yeah when I was a mean, uncomfortable in my skin, angry teenager I would blame everything on her, and because of certain preceding situations I would be the one they believed. OR nowadays all three of the young ones who live at home will berate and bully her. They are merciless when it comes to ganging up on someone; and she handles it with such grace. When our mother doesn’t do anything about the situation, or she just agrees with the kids saying something like, “Well Franny you did do this,” or that or the other thing.

She handles it with so much grace. Yeah there are times when it all just gets too much and she explodes, but right then they all just run right back into it saying things like, “Jeez take a chill pill,” or anything else. (I can’t think off the top of my head right now)

She takes the scapegoat position, whether she likes it or not and she finds a way to live with it. IT IS HORRIBLE that the other people at mom’s house do that. But they are NEVER going to change; so Franny has adapted, and changed into a woman who can stick up for herself; she has thick skin and is internally strong.

She’s very smart! She recently made the decision to go back to school to get her Bachelor’s in Social Work and she has been doing good financially and has been making strong choices on where and how to spend it, or where and how to save it.

She cares about others a lot as well. That’s the name of the game for her. She always treats others how she so desperately needs them to treat her.

But sometimes she will have phases where she will rebel and not listen to anyone.. lol it can either be really funny or really worrisome.

Anyways over the years we have done a lot of things together, with me being the brat. But we have traveled the world together, rode rides together, flew on planes together, drove to school together, broke her first car together… (I’m still sorry about that)… gone on dates together with all of her weird boyfriends. Well, it would always be Franny, weird new boyfriend, Kassie and I. Some of those guys were creepy.

She has watched me grow since I was a baby and been with me through all of my awkward stages. My cowboy stage, broken arm stage, boy stage, sad stages, presidential stages, leading stages, captain stages, and back to awkward stages. I am a weird child.

Thank you for everything you have taught me over the years, chesca. ;)

How to be strong

How to fight for yourself

How to overcome adversities

How to overcome haters

How to be brave

How to stand on your own two feet

How to see the comedy in bad situations

OR just how to see the comedy in every day life

How to gracefully behave around invalids (in-va-lids)

How to stay strong in your faith

How to love someone with everything you are even though you know they don’t love you back

How to wait for someone, because you knew that the real Jules would come back someday

You just had to keep loving me from afar and wishing for the best and praying that I would come back. Lol here I am J

You’ve taught me to be independent, to make a life for yourself and only yourself; to chase your dreams and follow your heart.

But most importantly, you’ve taught me that the love between sisters is the strongest love there is; because you hate each other, but you also love each other. Yeah there will be times when the hate comes out more, but there will always be that love, and soon enough the love with shine out and you will have your sister back again.

Thank you for waiting for me! I wish the best for you on #22. Don’t get too cray tonight you probs work in the morning.

Love you,

Jules

 

Entry 27: Poem 2

Hello! I just want to let everyone know that since school has been in session it's really hard to squeeze in the time to write entries. I am going to do them whenever I can, but it will probably not be daily anymore. I have to go to class, which is spread out just in the right way so I can't do anything in between classes; go to therapy; homework...homework...homework; eat food; shower; sleep, repeat. Sometimes there is just not enough time in the day, or sometimes when I do get free time I just want to sleep; and I think I'm pretty deserving of that! :) 

Sometimes she is laced with sadness

Other times she is radiating happiness

Sometimes her sobbing fills the air

But still other times her laughter can affect everyone she’s with

She is an extremely beautiful person

But just forgets to tell herself

She is very strong

But there are times when the darkness takes over

She is working on her positivity

She is progressing every day

Her negativity is floating away

She is teaching her brain to filter the negative thoughts

But no one is perfect

Her brain isn’t perfect

So there is usually one negative thought that will set her off

When she gets stuck on that thought, she has to work hard

Work hard to figure out a way to turn it around

Work hard to challenge it

Work hard to refute it

Work hard to make it positive

Sometimes she just needs some help with that

She reaches out to her older, wiser friend/boss

Who tells her, she needs to breathe

Who advises her to figure out a way to cope

Her friend is very supportive

The friend cares very deeply about the girl

Her friend has a heart of gold

Her friend’s thoughts are bold

The friend advises that she do something productive

Something productive with those thoughts that are dragging her

Dragging her down

Her friend says, we need to find a way to pull herself self back up

The friend gives her huge compliments on her artwork

Telling her how great and creative it is

How inspiring it can be

And how calming it can be

So she decides to do something that incorporates both

Creative artwork and positive thinking

Artwork

Positive thinking

She decides, with the encouragement of her friend, to make

To make a very unique piece of art

She gets out her markers

She asks another friend for a sheet of paper

And off she goes

Up

Up

Up and away

The negative thoughts are gone, because of the hundreds of positives

Her positives are working so hard to outweigh the negatives

With encouragement from her people,

She will grow

She will grow

She will learn how to grow on her own

She will grow on her own

She will succeed

It’s now something she carries everywhere