I started watching a show called, “The Fosters,” and through
watching it, I feel like I’m a part of a family. I know I have my own family,
but things have been different. I haven’t really felt like a part of the family
anymore. When I left for college things started to change… I wasn’t there 99%
of the time and still the family went on.
I did my thing up in Cedar Falls: class, work, eat, sleep
and repeat. My freshman year I had a good group of friends that made me feel
like I was a part of something again. But my sophomore year I didn’t really
have a set group of friends. I didn’t feel like I was a part of a whole. I just
felt like I was a missing puzzle piece. I felt like I was on my own, and of
course I had friends. Here and there Hello’s and Goodbye’s, the occasional hang
out session, movie nights sometime, but nothing ever felt right.
This year I felt alone, and that’s because I was.
My family went on without me, and they welcomed me home when
I would come back, but it was never the same. I missed the joy of the everyday
life with my family, I missed waking up to my sister in the bed next to me. I
missed having to share the bathroom with Sammy and Franny and fight over the
sink and mirror. I missed my brothers whining. I missed the everyday things. I just
missed seeing my family everyday.
I missed the little things and I missed the big things.
Then, my parents got divorced.
Then, my mom kicked me out of my house. My home. The place I
grew up and where all of my memories were made.
Mom, if you are reading this I love you, but I’m angry. I’m
angry that you tell people I CHOSE to move out. That I CHOSE to walk out on the
family. I CHOSE to leave the place I grew up in, the one place I felt safe and
comfortable.
I don’t feel like part of a family. My mom threw me out of the house
and I don’t think she understood that she was subliminally telling me I wasn’t
good enough.
I wasn’t worth it.
Did they not want me anymore?
I feel rejected, unloved, unwanted and uncared for.
I live with my dad now, and things are really, really different. He tries to make me feel as loved as he can, but it’s
not the same.
I watch this show and I feel important. Like I’m part of a
family. Like I’m loved. I like seeing their dynamics and learning new things
about them. I like seeing how much Steph and Lena (the moms) love their kids.
How they embrace all of them, and accept Callie and Jude into their family. I
like seeing a family where love is what holds them together.
In the show, Brandon, the oldest brother says, “There’s
enough to go around.” Meaning, there’s enough love to go around. When he says
that its makes me feel like he is talking to me as well.
Jules, we have enough love for you. You can be a part of our
family. We will accept you. We will embrace you. We will keep you safe.
Then Lena says, “DNA doesn’t make a family, love does.”
Some day I will feel like a part of a whole again, but for now
it’s just me, my dad, and my show.
Oh Jules, it makes me sad that you feel so alone. I wish that things were not so hard for you. It is horrible feeling cut off from everyone, I know, but you are never alone. We keep you locked in our hearts & think of you everyday. We just don't always understand how best to help you. Your brothers & sisters will come around. They are just as confused & scared as you are right now, and trying their best to survive. Don't give up on them yet. They DO love you, just not brave enough to express it the way you need right now. Divorce is brutal, even if it is what they laughingly call "amicable". The pain it causes to the entire family seems unbearable at times. You have come so far in the last few months & I know you will have much brighter days. I LOVE YOU JULES!!!!
ReplyDeleteI do know how it feels to be alone. I know that even though that I have been diagnosed with depression since I was about your age. I think that I've had symptoms of depression in the years before I was diagnosed. As I grew older, my depression and anxiety grew little by little, and I didn't see all the signs of my anxiety until 6 years ago. Over the years, I have been on medication, lasting for almost 20 years and tried different depression meds until I was stable enough on one type of medication for my depression. Then I have quit my job back in 2010 and tried to get another job for the next year, but with no avail, I didn't get a job. So I decided to go to DMACC in 2011 and got accepted for the fall of that year. Since that I wasn't working, I took the opportunity to go back to school and get my degrees in Culinary Arts (graduated in May of 2014) and Hotel/Restaurant Management and graduated just this last month. Out of both times that I've graduated, I have gotten the best birthday gifts were my diplomas. It was a long road, and to make it short, I was diagnosed with Dysthymia. Dysthymia is a mood disorder that acts like bi-polar, but it is on the opposite spectrum of bi-polar disorder. I ended up taking on new meds on top of the meds that I'm already taken, but two important people in my life, two of my former professors passed away. I was so sadden after my second professors' death that I ended up in the hospital voluntarily committing myself to the mental ward. I also found out that I have agoraphobia and now I have to deal with that. I am going to see a therapist and a psychologist for my meds and such, but it is better than not doing anything and I would not be here without getting help that I needed, and the support of my family. Even though that your mother have forced you out of your home, at least that you have one parent that still love you and support you as well.Count this as a mixed blessing, most parents today do not always want to support their kids in anything if they are mentally ill. You just keep your head up and keep going, and I will try to keep my head up and keep going. Always remember, YOU ARE YOUR OWN ADVICATE.
ReplyDeleteHi Jules
ReplyDeleteI was your PE teacher back at St. Anthonys. I came across your blog and I want to commend you for putting it out there. You are very brave and I can read from others comments that sharing your story is not only helping yourself, but you are also helping others. I remember you and your sisters as great kids. I still feel that way and it is because you have wonderful parents. Even though you have been through a very tough and long road, there is no doubt in my mind that you will be successful. I wish you could see yourself as myself and others do. Just know that even though we don't really see one another anymore that I will always be a Jules supporter. Love to you and the entire Bertagnoli family.