Sophomore Year: Growth

To whom it may concern,

“Anytime you’re going to grow, you’re going to lose something. You’re losing what you’re hanging onto to keep safe. You’re losing habits that you’re comfortable with, you’re losing familiarity.” 

I met with my therapist for the last time this year and it was very bitter sweet. She has helped me with so many things over the year, and it’s going to be weird not having her to go to. In our last session, we went over the year and looked at how much I’ve grown.

I went from a girl with a life full of sorrow and pain to a girl who is happy with herself. At the beginning of the year, I came into school thinking things were going to be fine. I had just got out of a bad relationship and I was dating a new guy who I thought really liked me. I was rooming with my best friend and we were working at the same place and school was going to be great.

Then my parents announced they were getting a divorce

Then my boyfriend started acting weird because he was going to basic

Then my roommate and I got in the biggest argument

When my parents, well my mom specifically told us she was filing for a divorce my heart ripped. I have always looked up to my parents’ relationship. They’ve always been “Jennifer and Rico” and now its just Jennifer, and just Rico. They used to love each other so much that you could see it in the way their eyes lit up when the other walked in the room; or when one of us kids said/did something funny they would lock eyes and I could only imagine they would be thinking something along the lines of, “We made such good kids.” They used to go out together and get shit faced (yes you did, don’t deny it), but they always seemed to be having a good time.

They had a routine every morning which obviously changed over the years, but for so long every morning in the Bertagnolli house mom would wake us up, rip off the blankets if necessary, then she would go downstairs to do her daily devotions. Then dad would come out of their room smelling like fresh cologne, and we would all go downstairs together to eat breakfast. My dad would make oatmeal with cinnamon sugar and butter and my mom would get him a glass of milk. Us kids would complain because mom always made us watch the news and then dad would kiss all of our foreheads, mom’s lips, and be on his way to work.

I miss that.

Now, after getting kicked out of my childhood home, I live with my dad in an apartment above Zombie Burger.

My boyfriend, who apparently loved me so much, was a douche and it took me way long to notice it. He took things from me that can never be replaced, but I don’t hate him. He showed me what kind of relationship I never want to be in again. I had to break up with him on Christmas because he was very demanding in his letters from basic and expected me to do things for him that was not fair. He didn’t appreciate who I was and what I was going through. ***PAUSE***

My roommate and I were such good friends for literally the whole semester up until the last few weeks. I like to say we just spent way too much time together and all the little things just were bottled up for too long and we both blew up on each other. It did result in some uncomfortable classes, lonely nights in a strange room alone, awkward work encounters and hostility. We made the decision to stop talking to each other because it was too hard for me to see her and think the things I was.

Christmas break, things were going to be great because it was Christmas! Christmas brings everyone together. LOL or not. My loving family, brothers, sisters, and mom triggered me just one too many times, and it was on a night I just couldn’t handle things anymore and my depression was way to strong, I tried to kill myself. Took over 70 pills.

I’m still trying to cope with what happened that night.

I stayed in the critical intensive care unit for two days and was then transferred to the mental health unit, where I spent my Christmas. Which brings me to the boyfriend again… ***UNPAUSE*** so things were going so rough between us that I had enough. I was in the hospital, and I hadn’t even gotten a call from him. So I talked with a therapist there and she helped me build the courage to call him and break up with him. It felt like a weight was lifted off my shoulders. I could finally breathe again.

I came back to school after Christmas break as a broken, helpless, poor little girl. I needed constant attention to stay safe. I couldn’t take care of myself and I didn’t want to. I went to class, tried to do homework, and went to therapy weekly, slept A LOT. I had no friends and surely the friends I did have wouldn’t want to hang out with someone who couldn’t even get out of bed.

I was working with my therapist to keep myself safe, but I just didn’t want to. I kept slipping and sliding down a dangerous road, thankfully, because of some GREAT people, I was able to stand up again.

My RA, Sarah, has been one of the best things I was blessed with this year. She let me break down in her room; we would talk, watch movies, cry, color, sit and not even talk. She was one of the reasons I decided to make the choice to want to keep myself safe. I want to make her proud.

I had a true friend, Morgan, offer her love and support to me and she has been just such a joy. I know I can always turn to her in good situations and bad. I had some sleepless nights in her room, just full of sorrow and pain and she nursed me back to health. She’s such a great person. I’m forever grateful for the help she has given me.

So then, spring break, I went on a life-changing trip with an organization STLF. We went on a service trip across the northeast of the US; it was with a group of forty other strangers all coming together with the desire to spend their spring break offering their services.

I had some not so great nights on that trip, some really really not so great nights. But I had people who cared about me. They cared about me and for me when I couldn’t do it for myself. All I wanted was to die and they kept me alive.

Jenny, Makayla, Amelia, Liz, Rachel:  you guys have no idea how much everything you’ve done for me means. I honestly don’t know if I would be here right now without you guys. I don’t know what the result would have been if I stayed home or at school over spring break. I’m glad I had you guys. You all have such caring hearts and I look up to you. You make me want to be a better person, and you have given me the motivation to actually make the step towards safety and healthiness.

That’s why when I got back from the trip I decided to change who I was. I was done holding on to the part of me that didn’t want to get better. It was time for me to rise from the ashes as a new person. I took therapy way more seriously. I started doing my cognitive behavioral therapy activities whenever I had a negative thought or impulse. I started actually using my coping skills instead of just looking at a sheet of paper that had a list of them. I started getting up in the morning telling myself that I could do it.

I started praying again

I started laughing again

I started hanging out with friends again

It’s been awhile since I have made that decision, and I can’t explain to you just how dramatically my life has changed. Yes, I still have moments where the depression hits. BUT instead of reaching out to others, and making others responsible for “fixing” me, I now have the ability for positive self-talk. I can talk myself down from a situation. I can bring myself up.

I give myself affirmations in my mind instead of tearing myself down.

I do my therapy activities when I need them

I don’t isolate

I don’t want to die anymore

I don’t want to die anymore!

I just received test scores back from the Iowa Dental Board and it’s official! I AM NOW A DENTAL ASSISTANT! That was one of the best things that happened this semester! I studied for weeks and my hard work paid off!

I’m ready to see the hard work I am putting into fixing myself pay off. Things are going to start looking up, and that’s all because I made a simple decision.

I am ready to grow, to lose the familiarity of relying on my illness and let go of the unhealthy coping skills that I thought were keeping me safe. I am forming new habits that I’m becoming comfortable with, and I’m creating my new normal.

My therapist and I looked over all of these things and we made the decision that I had grown, and I will continue to grow. 

Happy end of sophomore year! :) 

                                                                                                                              Thanks for reading! 

                                                                                                                                        Jules