I set off on an adventure last week: it included riding on a
bus for some odd hours, having to socialize with 37 new people, traveling
across the US and doing service projects along the way. I didn’t know we would
be sleeping on cold, hard floors; I didn’t know we wouldn’t have showers for
three days; I didn’t know I would actually learn something.
The big cities we went to are:
Warsaw, Indiana
Akron, Ohio
Rochester, New York
Ithaca, New York
Baltimore, Maryland
Washington D.C.
We did different service projects in each city and after our
service we would have tourism either in that city or a different city. Then we
would ride on the bus for hoooouuuuurrrrssss until we would reach our housing
for that night (usually churches).
(I can go into more
detail on the service projects we did in my next blog post if I get enough
feedback for doing that)
I really want to talk about the rough times I had. Everyone
knows from my previous blogs about what I deal with and the battles I have to
fight daily. This trip was really hard for me and I don’t understand why but
here is what happened:
The first day on the trip I was having a legit great day!
Before we got to housing the bus core put on music and it was fun dancing and
singing and then all of a sudden, a wave of sadness came over me. I put my head
in my pillow and just started crying—with my depression I don’t always know why
I’m crying and sometimes I cry for no reason. I started to get really awkward
with people and shut down.
Thankfully I knew one person on the trip (s/o Makayla) and
she was there to talk me down and just listen. The first night was not a bad
night! I just had a little wave of sadness come and then we pushed it away.
The second day was actually not that bad! It was a really
fun day and I don’t remember being hit by the wave! We did a lot of different
activities at nighttime, one being a rope maze: we were blindfolded and led
into a room where we were told to grab hold of a rope and follow it until the
end. Well fun fact: I never got to the end. Throughout the activity, there were
people asking, “How can I help you?” “Do you need anything?” “Can I get you
anything?” and I thought it was kind of funny. I kept getting asked the same
question like fifty times and I would say the same thing every time, “No. I
don’t need anything.” So I kept hold of the rope and kept walking, tripping,
and stumbling a lot.
I was then told to take my blindfold off, and saw a group of
people sitting on the ground. I remember thinking, “How the hell did they get
off the rope?” That’s when I was told to sit down and listen, the leader asked,
“People who got out of the maze, what did you do?” A vibrant, funny, energetic
and very caring girl (s/o Kindra) answered, “I asked for help.” Someone else
said, “I said, ‘yes.’” I thought that was so weird because like what could they
need help with? I didn’t understand, and then the explanation came:
It’s okay to ask for help. Sometimes when we ask for help,
good things happen. We have the resources that you need; you just have to ask
for help.
Next, we did this activity where someone would recite a
sentence or phrase and whomever that applied to, they would step forward into
the middle of the circle. Then once in the middle a list/paragraph of
stereotypes would be listed off for that group of people.
It was really eye opening. It brought stereotypes to reality
for me; like yeah I knew stereotypes existed and all of that, but seeing all of
these different people step into the middle of the circle to get almost berated
was such a sobering experience. They were all so brave and that inspired me.
After that activity I stayed up almost all night talking
with three people who are so amazing (s/o Jenny, Jaz, and Kyton). They all
helped me understand things about myself that I haven’t even thought about or
even noticed. We talked about significant others, life experiences, families,
school, what our favorite part has been so far and so many other things.
The following days started to get harder and harder for me.
I sat on the bus with my bus buddy and told her all about my life:
likes/dislikes, hopes, dreams, childhood, and of course all of my past history
in regards to mental health. I created a bond with her that was really
comforting to me; she understood me, she noticed me.
I started trusting her with more and more; she picked up
on my non-verbals and was able to talk me off the edge. She showed me more love
and supports than I honestly have felt in such a long time. Things kept getting
harder. I started getting panic attacks, crying spells, waves of
depression, and had bipolar episodes. I started struggling to the point where I
had to be taken out of the group activities to go color, or do other coping
skills. The leaders were all very understanding, compassionate and kind about
what I was going through and they did everything to make sure I would be okay.
The next night activity really hit home for me. Everyone
went around and shared a part of their story. Everyone started out with the
phrase, “I struggle with…” and then added in their story. When it got to me, I
was so uncomfortable and awkward. But I told them all about my history, my
struggles, and then I told them about my suicide attempt over Christmas. I told
them about my littlest brother and how he reacted to finding me in a state of
tranquility after taking the pills.
I thought I was being judged…
I was so wrong though. I was so wrong. At the beginning of
that activity I had two people sit next to me, one was my bus buddy I talked
about and the other one was Makayla, the one friend I knew before going on the
trip. I got really emotional after sharing my story and couldn’t stop crying. I
was hyperventilating and having such a rough time, and that’s when my bus
buddy, Jenny, just grabbed my hand and Makayla started rubbing my back.
I have never felt so loved than I did in that moment.
Anyways, my moods seem to stay the same throughout the trip.
I was fine during the day unless we were in huge crowds, then I got really
scared and panicked. I LOVED the services we did and had such a fun time doing
them with everyone. I would always make it through the service projects. When
we got back on the bus to travel to tourism I would be fine, then sometimes at
tourism it would hit. Most of the time it hit when we were traveling from
tourism to housing.
I felt like such a burden.
I felt like such a disappointment.
I felt like such a worthless being.
I felt like I was ruining everyone’s trip.
I felt like I could never do anything right.
I felt like I didn’t want to wake up in the morning.
I shared that with people on the trip and they kept me safe.
They did great things for me and I’ll be forever grateful, because without them
doing what they did, I probably would have attempted again.
The next activity I really loved. We were all in chairs
forming a circle and there would be a few people in the middle at a specific
time and the leader would read different sayings and the people would go around
and tap on a person they though exemplified those things.
I was tapped at least once for every single phrase.
Things I didn’t believe I was, I still got tapped. Then one
was like, “The person who has had the biggest impact on you.” And literally
everyone in the center tapped me. I legit started crying because of how loved I
was, how loved I am!
There are two last activities that really impacted me. We
ended the trip with those activities and one included passing a paper around
and writing a positive note to everyone on the bus; then you would get yours back
and read them and see what people had to say about you or to you. Reading through those notes made me feel full and complete. It helped me to start believing
in myself. It helped me see all of the people who care for me, and who would be
affected if I weren’t here.
They put my heart back together.
Because of these amazing people I am currently working on
healing myself. I have taken steps to get myself back into the grind of
therapy, and seriously working towards my goal of becoming healthy and happy. I don’t want
to be the sick girl; I want to be known for so much more than that! I want to
show others how loved they are! I want to be able to do what this family did for me.
They saved me. They are standing by me. They are holding my
hand and walking with me. They are lighting up the darkness I am living in.
Through the help of strangers, I was able to discover who I
am and who I want to be and throw away the old Jules. I will always hold her
deep in my heart, but I am ready to start a new chapter of my life where I take
the hands of my family (s/o STLF) and walk with them as they light my way
through the darkness.
“Sometimes our light goes out,
but is blown again into instant flame by an encounter with another human
being.”
– Albert Schweitzer
