I started watching a show called, “The Fosters,” and through
watching it, I feel like I’m a part of a family. I know I have my own family,
but things have been different. I haven’t really felt like a part of the family
anymore. When I left for college things started to change… I wasn’t there 99%
of the time and still the family went on.
I did my thing up in Cedar Falls: class, work, eat, sleep
and repeat. My freshman year I had a good group of friends that made me feel
like I was a part of something again. But my sophomore year I didn’t really
have a set group of friends. I didn’t feel like I was a part of a whole. I just
felt like I was a missing puzzle piece. I felt like I was on my own, and of
course I had friends. Here and there Hello’s and Goodbye’s, the occasional hang
out session, movie nights sometime, but nothing ever felt right.
This year I felt alone, and that’s because I was.
My family went on without me, and they welcomed me home when
I would come back, but it was never the same. I missed the joy of the everyday
life with my family, I missed waking up to my sister in the bed next to me. I
missed having to share the bathroom with Sammy and Franny and fight over the
sink and mirror. I missed my brothers whining. I missed the everyday things. I just
missed seeing my family everyday.
I missed the little things and I missed the big things.
Then, my parents got divorced.
Then, my mom kicked me out of my house. My home. The place I
grew up and where all of my memories were made.
Mom, if you are reading this I love you, but I’m angry. I’m
angry that you tell people I CHOSE to move out. That I CHOSE to walk out on the
family. I CHOSE to leave the place I grew up in, the one place I felt safe and
comfortable.
I don’t feel like part of a family. My mom threw me out of the house
and I don’t think she understood that she was subliminally telling me I wasn’t
good enough.
I wasn’t worth it.
Did they not want me anymore?
I feel rejected, unloved, unwanted and uncared for.
I live with my dad now, and things are really, really different. He tries to make me feel as loved as he can, but it’s
not the same.
I watch this show and I feel important. Like I’m part of a
family. Like I’m loved. I like seeing their dynamics and learning new things
about them. I like seeing how much Steph and Lena (the moms) love their kids.
How they embrace all of them, and accept Callie and Jude into their family. I
like seeing a family where love is what holds them together.
In the show, Brandon, the oldest brother says, “There’s
enough to go around.” Meaning, there’s enough love to go around. When he says
that its makes me feel like he is talking to me as well.
Jules, we have enough love for you. You can be a part of our
family. We will accept you. We will embrace you. We will keep you safe.
Then Lena says, “DNA doesn’t make a family, love does.”
Some day I will feel like a part of a whole again, but for now
it’s just me, my dad, and my show.
